The "Gnat Effect" -- A moment of honesty (another long one)

You know when a gnat attacks you....and you swat it.... and you keep swatting it... because you can see the gnat and its bugging the hell out of your sanity....but no one else around you can see it... so when they see you swatting at it, they think you're a crazy person.... because they can't see what you see.... so you try to ignore it....but the little fucker keeps nagging you?  And then when you finally get it... you're all thrilled and you scream "GOT IT!"....and everyone just stares at you blank like "riiiiiiiiiiight?" ...... Yeah... "The Gnat Effect"

I've been avoiding this blog. That's not to say that I haven't been writing-- I have a ton of unpublished blogs sitting in my draft folders and I've been journaling and I've been writing pages to my book.  I've just been avoiding writing in public. And I'm sorry to those of you who actually read this blog somewhat regularly... especially those of you who read it enough to ask me "what  happened-- why aren't you blogging anymore?."

When I first started this blog, I was in a bit of a dark place and I started blogging privately. I was in a bad relationship that had good points-- a relationship that I allowed myself to stay in because of those "good points" yet would eventually come to realize that we were both bad for each other. We both needed different. So I eventually walked out of that relationship, somewhat unscathed.  The break up wasn't bad at all-- the actual split was very amicable-- it was the "after the breakup" that damn near drove me insane... I blogged about that brief and rather cryptic here and here.   I eventually let all of that go... slowly working on the pieces of me that had been broken off as a result of my allowing negativity to affect my existence. Once I found myself to be over it entirely, I deleted most of those early angry/depressing  blogs.

I was also going through other things-- family things. Very private things.  And they had started to also affect me. I'm a very emotional creature. My family is my life. For better or worse what affects them, affects me-- so my blogs were often reflective of these deeply emotional places that I was in as a result of what they were going through... and I was okay with that. I just didn't want to talk about it. I also was going through drama with my job and was questioning if NY was where I wanted to be....and basically all of those things combined had me feeling very dark and alone and unsure of what was to come. It all made for good writing material.... blogging material. But it was still quite sporadic.

Then I made snap decisions in pursuit of my own happiness and I started blogging pretty regularly.  I was recognizing my own changes and embracing both the changes and the decisions I had made in my life overall.  And amazingly my Internet rants that weren't totally emotional (but also weren't devoid of emotion) were noticed by a few people in the publishing world.  Though this isn't entirely uncommon whenever you write and people follow your words, share you words or comment regularly on you words-- it was uncommon for me....and when these few people in the publishing world took note of my writing, every one of them gave me the same piece of advice "blog more regularly" -- so I did. And that's when the "gnats" started swarming.  Anonymous comments started popping up all over my blog with very negative and hateful remarks. All referencing my being a "so-called writer", calling me ridiculously childish names, insulting my writing, my family etc.  So I did some tracking, and well to no surprise at all, the comments were all coming from the same 3 IP addresses, which thanks to Google analytics, those IP addresses landed me directly to the culprits--  the "gnats of my past." I tried to be the bigger person and just deleted the comments and kept it moving, but the more I would delete, the  more comments would surface.

Now, I can sit here and tell you that it didn't bother me at all... that I am super human and am absolutely not affected when someone purposely says hateful things about me, my life, my talent......but that would be a bold faced lie. It did bother me. And not because I actually took heed to what they were saying.... it bothered me because I couldn't understand where the hatefulness was coming from.  I mean sure, it wasn't a "simple" situation, but man, these were people I once cared for. I cried on their shoulders. Confided in them. Trusted in them. And regardless of the complications, regardless of how hurt I felt, my hurt was warranted.... but the hatefulness? None of that was warranted.  So yes, in that moment? It bothered me on some level. Still I just deleted the comments and kept it moving.

I dealt with this for a while.... I even blogged about it briefly and rather cryptic back in May of this year (yes, it was going on that long) and there was so much anger....rather "brutal honesty" in that post that not surprisingly it has become one of the most popular posts on my blog.  The thing is.... the gnats kept swarming. Not just on my blog, but on my Facebook as well-- we all know with the new privacy "you are now welcome to be a stalker" settings, you can essentially pick and choose the things you want people to know/see about you.... and well if they were doing it long before the new settings, the new settings only made it easier.

I can sit here and tell you that I never fed in. I can make myself seem like an innocent party to the whole back and forth of it all.... But that would also be a lie. About a year and some change ago... I did feed in.  They were trying to prove they were happy, so I was trying to prove it. Which honestly? Was just plain stupid. When you are truly happy, you have nothing to prove.  And for the first time in years, I was beyond happy.... so why I was feeding in? I had no idea. When I stopped to think about it... I had never been in a situation like this.  Not that endings are ever easy... but I had never left any kind of relationship with any kind of on going hatefulness. Hell, I had ex friends with mutual friends in common.... I even had ex's on my friends list.... and I had never had this issue before. In general, we all mutually just went about living our lives sans each other. I actually pride myself in maintaining some sort of amicability with people and suddenly I was in this ridiculous situation, feeding in to these ridiculous antics??  I didn't even recognize myself back then.  So I stopped.

But ooooh but those gnats.... those little suckers kept swarming. Between my blog and my FB I just couldn't seem to get rid of them. So finally... recently... I virtually swatted them.  Or in FB terms... I blocked them. And for me, that was the perfect solution.  You see, I never mentioned what was going on to anyone.  I didn't say anything to my personal friends. My boyfriend. My family. Not anyone.  I wasn't blogging about it. I wasn't talking about it.  Nothing. So it was just festering...and the reality is.... no one else sees the gnats but you. So when you start "swatting" in public -- you look like the crazy one....so really, you keep it between you and the little gnats. But that's just not healthy and I just couldn't do it anymore. I thought by not "swatting" them, I was being the bigger person.  But in actuality, I was again, not thinking of myself.  It doesn't matter how "over" something you are-- when someone hurts you, no matter how fast you heal....it doesn't mean the wounds can't be reopened...and I was allowing the gnats to keep stabbing the healed wounds.

That said, it wasn't the gnats fault that I felt the way I was feeling. Sure they just kept making themselves noticed all up in my personal space... but I was allowing it.  I could have "swatted" them a long time ago.  The truth of the matter (that Oprah further instilled in me with her Life Classes) is that you cannot control what other people do, but you can control what you allow people to do to you.  You have to take ownership of why you feel the way that you do.  People are responsible for the energy that they bring into your world...but you are responsible for allowing those people in it. And what I realized was I giving the negativity the energy it needed to sustain itself. So again, I stopped.  (see the trend?)

Aaaaaall of that to say... I can't "block" people from commenting on this blog-- unless I blog in private...and well, I think my voice is just too damn good to be silenced by ignorance. I could also just change my blog name all together,  but "acolorfulmind" is who I am.  Of all the screen names I've had, it is the one that most defines Tiffany ((that's another drafted blog in progress))-- so I'm not going to allow "anonymous" comments and criticisms and all together childishness to prevent me from blogging.... to prevent me from expressing myself thoroughly.  That also goes for my work life, my family life, my personal life.  For the last few months I've been letting all of these things consume me. I've been in a sense hiding.... rather avoiding the things that were incessantly annoying me.  The gnats.  All of those darn gnats.  I won't do that anymore.  I have too much faith in the success that will come from my talents to not share it with the public.....or whomever stumbles across this blog.

So, consider this entry my way of catching up all readers (hence all the links)... new and old... I even wrote an About Me section.... so you know, you can feel like you "know" lil' ol' Me :).

I promise all of my posts aren't typically this long.... it's just been months y'all!

Until the next time....

oh yeah... I just turned 31... woohoo!

xoxo