A Colorful Mind

The importance of "Dad"......

2011-12-02T16:33:00.005-05:00

Growing up without my birth father, I tended to put a lot of emphasis on this quote "Any man can be a father, but it takes a special man to be a Dad" -- See, Joey is my "Father" -- his DNA (for better or worse) runs through my veins.... he impregnated my mother.... he is the reason that I exist today. But he wasn't my Dad. He wasn't there when I needed him most. My "Dad" is Alonzo.... and he came to me late in life.... I think I was about 18... maybe 19.... and he's been there ever since. This is the man that when I need anything or have a question, I call. This is the man that calls me or randomly sends me a card or text to say that he loves me. He's my Dad. Not by blood. Not even by marriage. But he's my Dad.

Thinking on my own situation.... actually... all of my siblings situations (none of our Fathers were Dads) I realize that the relationship that I have had with men directly correlates to how the men in my mother's life treated her. I realize that the things that my sisters and I have accepted from men in the past as "okay" are also directly correlated to how we saw men.... our "fathers" treat our mother. I wonder if men really get that.... do fathers truly understand that how they treat the mother of their children will directly correlate to the relationships that their children will have in the future? Because it does. I mean it really, REALLY does. We date our Dad's..... seriously. We may not marry them, but in many cases, we date them.... we entertain their antics.... we are intimate with them.... fall in love with them..... so by all means I have no idea why more fathers don't take heed to how they treat the mother's of their children.

"The greatest thing a father can do for his daughter is to love her mother"..........this quote right here.... is so very true. Though.... if I had to change this up a little to be more accurate to my family situation... more accurate to a co-parenting situation, I'd add in "AND RESPECT her mother" ---- because I think that's where a lot of Father's miss the mark. They don't respect the mother of their children when they are not together anymore and they don't realize it, but the children see it. Daughters see it. We absorb the actions. The words. The times you pick us up and don't speak to our mothers in an amicable way. The times you roll your eyes, suck your teeth or make negative comments to your family about our mothers. The times you berate our mothers. You hurt our mothers. We see it all..... and if we're lucky, we grow up to find men that are nothing like those fathers.... men who will respect us as your daughter. If we're lucky. But for many of us, it takes a lot of frog kissing before we find that prince and whether these father's know it or not.... them not being a "Dad".... them not respecting our mothers.... it plays a big a role in who we as women have become. And no, I'm not talking about myself here.... I'm just seeing this lack of respect... this lack of a Dad in my universe more than I care to and it is evident to me that it is easy for Father's to fall short of being a Dad. A Dad who respects his child's mother.

Especially when your child is the product of the proverbial "broken home" -- I was on the train listening to a girl talk to her girlfriend about all of these hateful things that her ex had said about her.... that he had said them to someone else but that her son had heard and he came home and asked her why his Dad would say mean things about her. He then kissed her on the forehead and said "It's okay, Abuelo says you're the best mommy in the world and I agree." --- I don't know the girl, but from the outside looking in, her son is lucky to have her Dad to balance out the negativity that her ex clearly still has built up inside. But it's still unfortunate, because sons look up to their Dad's. And that's the kind of example this guy is setting for his son. That it's okay to berate his mother.... it's okay to talk bad about women. I wonder though, if he even realizes the long of it? The long term effects?

I dunno... I guess I'm kind of rambling.... I've just seen so much of it lately... hell I lived it... and it just makes me think of the future Men. Father's. Dad's. Your son becomes who you were to them. To their mother. And sometimes even who they saw you being when you didn't even know they were watching. And your daughter? Well statistically... she ends up being with a man who was just like you. Be the man that you want your daughter to end up with. Act like the man that you want your son to be.

Yes Mother's give us life..... but Father's truly shape it.... more than many realize.

Until the next time.

xo

Thoughts of others that are my thoughts today.....

2011-11-15T16:42:00.001-05:00

"Occasionally in life there are those moments of unutterable fulfillment which cannot be completely explained by those symbols called words. Their meanings can only be articulated by the inaudible language of the heart."

“I am an excitable person who only understands life lyrically, musically, in whom feelings are much stronger as reason. I am so thirsty for the marvelous that only the marvelous has power over me. Anything I can not transform into something marvelous, I let go. Reality doesn't impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another.”

"As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them."

"I never promised the universe that I would write brilliantly; I only promised the universe that I would write."

“I hate men who are afraid of women's strength.”

“Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it.”

"Fear less, hope more, eat less, chew more, whine less, breathe more, talk less, say more, hate less, love more, and good things will be yours."

"You who are my home and here is what I know now...and it goes, In your love, my salvation lies, In your love. You are my heart."

“We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect.”

"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you."

Inspired moments......

2011-11-11T15:24:00.001-05:00

"Sometimes you just need someone to believe in you to make you see everything you are worth...
I credit that to you."

I received this compliment from a friend last night and it caught me off guard. In a good way, but off guard for sure. I guess I've never really considered myself someone worthy of that credit... credit to making someone see everything they are worth. Maybe because I am not someone who truly knows my entire worth. That's not some attempt at getting people to tell me "omg you are wonderful and oh so worthy" .... rather it's the truth. I know my strong points and overall I know my "worth" -- the overall worth, but I'm just like you, you and may be even you.... I'm not always good at recognizing what I'm good at doing. I often get bogged down in the "I should be. I could be. I would be's" that sometimes I tend to forget the "I am's."

Does that happen to you? Do you find yourself getting caught up in everything you could, would or should be.... or could, would or should do.... only to realize you ARE plenty of everything else? And that sometimes... if you just stop looking for towards the future and allow yourself to be in the present moment.... you may actually be able to embrace all that you are..... all of the time?

I find myself there often. And it's hard... because I want to always remain humble. I don't want to toot my own horn (loudly) and I don't want to be anything less than what I deem to be perfect.... so I strive, strive, strive.... and in doing so I realize that I missing out on all that I am in the moment everyone else sees it.

If that friend credits me to believing in them.... to making them feel and know what they are worth.... so much that it gives them confidence to not hold back, why is that I don't constantly do the same for myself? Why is it so much easier to be the voice of reason for other people and it is so difficult to be the voice of reason for ourselves?

Is it a woman thing? A Libra thing? A Tiffany thing?

Is it not even a "thing"?

I guess if anything it is just something I need to keep exploring. I'm so very honored to be that person to my dear friend. It took no effort as that friend is an amazingly talented person that I know is destined for incredible success and lifelong happiness. I can see that easily because that is often what friends are for.... to remind us of the things that we forget and to encourage us to do the things that we fear the most.

Now to fully be the Tiffany to me... that I am to them.

Tic Toc.

xo

Ten Things Today

2011-11-10T16:17:00.003-05:00

1. I am so sick of the weather in NYC. I am sure I will get stones virtually thrown at me for being sorely disappointed with 60+ degree weather in November... but come on... it's NOVEMBER. I like 4 seasons... if I wanted this kind of weather I'd live in California... or Miami. BRING ON THE CHILLY WEATHER!

2. I mainly want it to get colder in NYC so that I can wear my really cute boots, tights, sweaters and coats. Fall is my favorite season for many reasons... fashion included. Sue me.

see... totally cute. they need to be worn.

3. I had the most awesome amazing weekend in the Catskills and came back with the worst cold/flu like thingamajig ever. I tried my hardest to avoid medicine and finally succumbed to using Vicks.... my grandmother was right. It DOES cure everything. Who cares if you smell like a retirement home while slathering it on your chest.

4. What my grandmother didn't tell me however is that Vick's should only be worn in the comfort and discretion of your own home. Rubbing it on your neck in the office? Not a good idea.

5. I desperately want to cook the turkey this year for Thanksgiving, but my sister just laughs every time I bring it up. Neither one of us have ever attempted a turkey, and we really don't like dark meat.... logic would dictate just buying a turkey breast.......... but my inner Barefoot Contessa wants to attempt the whole damn turkey. Pray for me.

my worst nightmare

6. I used to pride myself in not being a cook.... I actually took in pride in making a mean salad (my salads really are VERY good) and had little towels and aprons that had kitschy phrases on them about how great I am at dialing for takeout. Now when my sister is all like "ha ha ha. YOU? COOK a turkey?!?" ... I give her the mean side eye like I've been roasting birds my whole life. I mean why not.... in my MIND? I have.

7. When I say "used to take pride in not cooking" I mean like.... 9 months a go. But now I sorta kinda love it now... and I'm sorta kinda good at it too. I swear. :)

8. I still however DESPISE doing dishes. I may actually be the worst dish washer in the universe. I can literally scrub dishes for an hour and leave them to dry in the little rack thingy..... and when I go to put them up, have to RE WASH everything... because they are still greasy, or have soap suds dried on them or worse...... food particles. I even purchased cute, frilly cleaning gloves in the hopes that I'd be inspired to wash "better" in pink..........it didn't work.

9. I think dishwashers (and washers and a dryers for that matter) are beyond a necessity and should be mandatory in all living situations.

10. I currently don't have either. Sadness.

The (un)Domestic Diva :)

xoxo

The "Gnat Effect" -- A moment of honesty (another long one)

2011-10-27T15:46:00.022-04:00

You know when a gnat attacks you....and you swat it.... and you keep swatting it... because you can see the gnat and its bugging the hell out of your sanity....but no one else around you can see it... so when they see you swatting at it, they think you're a crazy person.... because they can't see what you see.... so you try to ignore it....but the little fucker keeps nagging you? And then when you finally get it... you're all thrilled and you scream "GOT IT!"....and everyone just stares at you blank like "riiiiiiiiiiight?" ...... Yeah... "The Gnat Effect"

I've been avoiding this blog. That's not to say that I haven't been writing-- I have a ton of unpublished blogs sitting in my draft folders and I've been journaling and I've been writing pages to my book. I've just been avoiding writing in public. And I'm sorry to those of you who actually read this blog somewhat regularly... especially those of you who read it enough to ask me "what happened-- why aren't you blogging anymore?."

When I first started this blog, I was in a bit of a dark place and I started blogging privately. I was in a bad relationship that had good points-- a relationship that I allowed myself to stay in because of those "good points" yet would eventually come to realize that we were both bad for each other. We both needed different. So I eventually walked out of that relationship, somewhat unscathed. The break up wasn't bad at all-- the actual split was very amicable-- it was the "after the breakup" that damn near drove me insane... I blogged about that brief and rather cryptic here and here. I eventually let all of that go... slowly working on the pieces of me that had been broken off as a result of my allowing negativity to affect my existence. Once I found myself to be over it entirely, I deleted most of those early angry/depressing blogs.

I was also going through other things-- family things. Very private things. And they had started to also affect me. I'm a very emotional creature. My family is my life. For better or worse what affects them, affects me-- so my blogs were often reflective of these deeply emotional places that I was in as a result of what they were going through... and I was okay with that. I just didn't want to talk about it. I also was going through drama with my job and was questioning if NY was where I wanted to be....and basically all of those things combined had me feeling very dark and alone and unsure of what was to come. It all made for good writing material.... blogging material. But it was still quite sporadic.

Then I made snap decisions in pursuit of my own happiness and I started blogging pretty regularly. I was recognizing my own changes and embracing both the changes and the decisions I had made in my life overall. And amazingly my Internet rants that weren't totally emotional (but also weren't devoid of emotion) were noticed by a few people in the publishing world. Though this isn't entirely uncommon whenever you write and people follow your words, share you words or comment regularly on you words-- it was uncommon for me....and when these few people in the publishing world took note of my writing, every one of them gave me the same piece of advice "blog more regularly" -- so I did. And that's when the "gnats" started swarming. Anonymous comments started popping up all over my blog with very negative and hateful remarks. All referencing my being a "so-called writer", calling me ridiculously childish names, insulting my writing, my family etc. So I did some tracking, and well to no surprise at all, the comments were all coming from the same 3 IP addresses, which thanks to Google analytics, those IP addresses landed me directly to the culprits-- the "gnats of my past." I tried to be the bigger person and just deleted the comments and kept it moving, but the more I would delete, the more comments would surface.

Now, I can sit here and tell you that it didn't bother me at all... that I am super human and am absolutely not affected when someone purposely says hateful things about me, my life, my talent......but that would be a bold faced lie. It did bother me. And not because I actually took heed to what they were saying.... it bothered me because I couldn't understand where the hatefulness was coming from. I mean sure, it wasn't a "simple" situation, but man, these were people I once cared for. I cried on their shoulders. Confided in them. Trusted in them. And regardless of the complications, regardless of how hurt I felt, my hurt was warranted.... but the hatefulness? None of that was warranted. So yes, in that moment? It bothered me on some level. Still I just deleted the comments and kept it moving.

I dealt with this for a while.... I even blogged about it briefly and rather cryptic back in May of this year (yes, it was going on that long) and there was so much anger....rather "brutal honesty" in that post that not surprisingly it has become one of the most popular posts on my blog. The thing is.... the gnats kept swarming. Not just on my blog, but on my Facebook as well-- we all know with the new ~~privacy~~ "you are now welcome to be a stalker" settings, you can essentially pick and choose the things you want people to know/see about you.... and well if they were doing it long before the new settings, the new settings only made it easier.

I can sit here and tell you that I never fed in. I can make myself seem like an innocent party to the whole back and forth of it all.... But that would also be a lie. About a year and some change ago... I did feed in. They were trying to prove they were happy, so I was trying to prove it. Which honestly? Was just plain stupid. When you are truly happy, you have nothing to prove. And for the first time in years, I was beyond happy.... so why I was feeding in? I had no idea. When I stopped to think about it... I had never been in a situation like this. Not that endings are ever easy... but I had never left any kind of relationship with any kind of on going hatefulness. Hell, I had ex friends with mutual friends in common.... I even had ex's on my friends list.... and I had never had this issue before. In general, we all mutually just went about living our lives sans each other. I actually pride myself in maintaining some sort of amicability with people and suddenly I was in this ridiculous situation, feeding in to these ridiculous antics?? I didn't even recognize myself back then. So I stopped.

But ooooh but those gnats.... those little suckers kept swarming. Between my blog and my FB I just couldn't seem to get rid of them. So finally... recently... I virtually swatted them. Or in FB terms... I blocked them. And for me, that was the perfect solution. You see, I never mentioned what was going on to anyone. I didn't say anything to my personal friends. My boyfriend. My family. Not anyone. I wasn't blogging about it. I wasn't talking about it. Nothing. So it was just festering...and the reality is.... no one else sees the gnats but you. So when you start "swatting" in public -- you look like the crazy one....so really, you keep it between you and the little gnats. But that's just not healthy and I just couldn't do it anymore. I thought by not "swatting" them, I was being the bigger person. But in actuality, I was again, not thinking of myself. It doesn't matter how "over" something you are-- when someone hurts you, no matter how fast you heal....it doesn't mean the wounds can't be reopened...and I was allowing the gnats to keep stabbing the healed wounds.

That said, it wasn't the gnats fault that I felt the way I was feeling. Sure they just kept making themselves noticed all up in my personal space... but I was allowing it. I could have "swatted" them a long time ago. The truth of the matter (that Oprah further instilled in me with her Life Classes) is that you cannot control what other people do, but you can control what you allow people to do to you. You have to take ownership of why you feel the way that you do. People are responsible for the energy that they bring into your world...but you are responsible for allowing those people in it. And what I realized was I giving the negativity the energy it needed to sustain itself. So again, I stopped. (see the trend?)

Aaaaaall of that to say... I can't "block" people from commenting on this blog-- unless I blog in private...and well, I think my voice is just too damn good to be silenced by ignorance. I could also just change my blog name all together, but "acolorfulmind" is who I am. Of all the screen names I've had, it is the one that most defines Tiffany ((that's another drafted blog in progress))-- so I'm not going to allow "anonymous" comments and criticisms and all together childishness to prevent me from blogging.... to prevent me from expressing myself thoroughly. That also goes for my work life, my family life, my personal life. For the last few months I've been letting all of these things consume me. I've been in a sense hiding.... rather avoiding the things that were incessantly annoying me. The gnats. All of those darn gnats. I won't do that anymore. I have too much faith in the success that will come from my talents to not share it with the public.....or whomever stumbles across this blog.

So, consider this entry my way of catching up all readers (hence all the links)... new and old... I even wrote an About Me section.... so you know, you can feel like you "know" lil' ol' Me :).

I promise all of my posts aren't typically this long.... it's just been months y'all!

Until the next time....

oh yeah... I just turned 31... woohoo!

xoxo

Yep...that about sums it up, Irene....

2011-08-26T13:11:00.001-04:00

Though... I'd take out the cigarettes and add in **PROTECT SHOES**

(Happy Hurricane!)

source: http://bebetterblog.tumblr.com

Romps......... and Circumstance.

2011-08-18T14:41:00.003-04:00

I am by nature a person who over extends themselves. It's a bad habit with good intentions. I often forget to write things down and in the minute in which something in I have unwittingly committed myself to attend/do/work on arises... I find myself flying like a bat of hell to get it done. More often than not, I get it done. But sometimes... sometimes circumstance occurs and whether or not I wrote it down, remembered it, planned on doing it or was actually in the process of doing it... I have to drop everything and do whatever else that arises-- that though not more important, for whatever reason takes precedence.

Recently I've been in this situation more than I care to deal with. It's frustrating at best, but I have to work with it. I was supposed to attend a friend's wedding, but my sister was scheduled to give birth, so I couldn't make it.... then my sister gave birth a week early (blame God) and well, everything I had planned for that particular week, took a back burner to this very important little life that was being born. Then I thought...hey, maybe I can actually attend the wedding that I had cancelled prior since my sister gave birth a week early.... and the other friends party... and the other friends party after that.... oh and one of my best guy friend's movie screening debut.... yes. Yes, now I can probably do all of that. I was thrilled at the possibility of being able to accomplish all that I set out to do.

Then I got a phone call.... a heart stopping phone call that one of my best friend's mother died unexpectedly. Not that death is ever expected.... but can you imagine? Your mother is in seemingly good health and the next thing you know, she's in the ICU... and then you're sitting next to her holding her hand and you literally watch her as she takes a final breath....and then she's gone. Can you imagine what that feels like? I can't. I didn't even think twice about flying out to her. To be there by her side. To hold her hand as she has to lay her mother to rest. To hold her when she cries. To be there for her. To be her friend.

Nothing else matters in this moment. Not the unexpected costs that will be incurred, not the plans that I had to inevitably cancel, not the house that I've been trying to organize for the last month, not anything. And feeling that way doesn't make me any less of a friend to those friends I had to let down or any more of a friend to my girlfriend who needs her friends in this trying time in her life. It just makes me a friend who has to make hard decisions when it comes to what takes precedence in her friends lives. What's that saying? "God laughs while we make plans?".... or something like that. So true.

I've recently realized however that not all people feel this way. They won't voice it directly though...they'll be quite passive aggressive, make subtle comments, or be down right dismissive to the fact that you had to let them down... and you know, that's okay. Because asides from the fact that I have no interest in feeding in to childish antics, the reality of their thoughts and actions tells me two things:

1. When my time of need comes, those are not the friends that I can count on to drop everything to be there for me.

And:

2. When their time of need comes, they'll wonder why so few people are actually there for them.

I would love to be everywhere at once, but the reality is sometimes that is just not possible.... and I'm okay with that. It took me a long time to be okay with it though... I used to fret, and worry and stress and really try and do everything at once... I sincerely tried to please everyone. It's pointless. You can't. You simply can't please everyone and that is quite fine.

One of the best pieces of advice I was ever give about friendship was that when you are a true friend, unless there are extreme circumstances preventing otherwise, you should always be there for three occasions in your friends lives: The marriage to their loves. The birth of their children. The death of a loved one. Those are the three most important occasions in your friends lives. Distance may prevent you from seeing or speaking to them daily, but love should always bring you together in those times. You don't necessarily have to agree with me, but this is part of my friendship mantra. It is how I try to lead my life as friend worth having.

To my dearest friend: I love you immensely. I am so sorry that you are having to bury your mother... I am so sorry at this age in our lives we are even having to worry about burying our parents.... but I can promise you I'll be there for you tomorrow and this entire weekend and every day thereafter that you need me. Even when you don't realize you need me or any of us girls, we will all be there for you.
We are sisters first. Friends second.

Anyone else who feels otherwise? I'm sure you can assume my thoughts.

xoxo

Summer Happiness... cliff notes edition.

2011-08-11T10:12:00.002-04:00

The summer has been busy... like BUSY... and sadly, it's almost over. Really.. it's almost over-- and this fact was only confirmed when my girlfriend posted on her Facebook that she had gotten like a gazillion Halloween themed catalogues in the mail. See I read that and thought "thank goodness my mail is full of gossip magazines and coupons and an insanely high con edison bill from all this summer heat... oooh yeah... summa su-mma su-mma tiiiiiiime" --- but you know what happened when I got home and checked my mail? HALLOWEEN CATALOGUES in the MAIL. (thanks Ana. I blame you.)

Sadness.

So, I thought I'd sum up some of the highlights of my summer thus far in pretty pictures before... you know.... I have to start writing posts about falling leaves, costumes, turkeys and Christmas lights. I'll even give a summary of each... Because who DOESN'T like summaries? They're like the cliff notes that helped us pass (but not Ace) our tests in college because we were all too ~~hungover~~ tired from excessive studying to read the whole book.

Yes. That's it. **AHEM**

Arizona Trippin'

Went to Arizona w/Regina and after a spa day we drank local yummy bears....

...after we hiked the Red Rocks in Sedona that is.... burn calories first. add them second.

then met pretty boys who clearly "do it better than girls"

then we drank prickly pear margaritas....that's from a cactus... it was divine.

then I ate shrimps with eyeballs.... I didn't die. I was surprised.

and then we had brunch, drank more beer and margaritas, heard a band cover DMB,
hugged and lived happily ever after. :)

Chicago Weddin'

I was a bridesmaid

in my wit twin's wedding.

she married the man of her dreams....

then we all got on a party bus

the guys danced on the bus while it was moving... we were impressed.

then we took pics around Chicago.... in sassy poses of course

....then went to the cocktail hour and hung with cute boys and pretty girls

after dancing, videos, bouquet tosses and cake cutting... they let the world know that they totally put rings on it

then they got fly.... like a G6

And now they are living Happily Ever After :)

Baby Poppin'

My baby sis, Alicia, was pregnant

oooh.. .that pic up there? was at the beach. we took a full family trip. it was fun.. we stayed here. I digress.

so yeah... Ali (they) were pregnant...and they were happy.

....then she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl.... she couldn't believe she was a mom... again.

I flew home to meet her.... she's my 5th niece. I'm making a deal with God that I have all boys... I digress.

so yeah... baby girl? totally knows she's beautiful. she stuck her tongue out to throw it in all of your faces.

Ali is a mom of 2. Bailey is a big sister. Brooklyn wasn't pleased with this pic. BUT?
They are all living Happily. Ever. After.

The end.

See what I mean? Cliff notes. Now you could totally pass the "What did Tiffy do this Summer that she couldn't be bothered to update her Blog" test. You wouldn't Ace it though (sadness) because like any good set of cliff notes? All the "meat" and some other major events were left out.... BUT! Summer has been happiness.... and I'll try and give you more of my meat (ha. ha. ha.) next time.

Huuugs and kisses!

xoxo

It can always be "too late"

2011-08-02T17:29:00.005-04:00

I just let my assistant leave work early today because his best friend's mother was given 1 to 2 weeks to live. She's young. It seemed she was healthy. He was actually going to see her today after work to bring her a gift from Tiffany's to congratulate her for being 7 years in remission from her Cancer. Insane how a routine check up at the doctor can literally turn in a death sentence. Can you imagine what he feels like? What his best friend feels like? What her ex-husband who may or may not have had a good relationship with her feels like?

Can you imagine if that was your mom? Your dad? Your sister? Your best friend?

Try to. Try and imagine that being someone who you love dearly. Someone who you know you literally can't live without. Someone that the thought of them not being tangible literally makes you want to stop breathing. Someone you've not spoken to in a week, a month, a year. Imagine them not here tomorrow.... because just like that? They can be gone. How does it feel? If you can live with yourself after they are gone....then continue to not speak, to argue, to not say something as simple as "I love you." "I need you." "I miss you." "I appreciate you." But if the mere thought of them being gone chokes you up for even a second.... makes you feel like you want to cry.... gives you the sudden urge to say those things..... then say it. Do it. Be the bigger the person.

We spend so much time focusing on things that don't matter. Fretting over our jobs. Arguing with our friends and family. Shopping instead of giving. Hating instead of loving. Yelling instead of talking. Frowning instead of smiling. Judging instead of appreciating--- we focus on so many negative things that too often we forget the very things that mean the most.

Just stop. Stop and think about everything being different......because one day? It will be. What side will you be on? Will you be at peace? Or will you be drowning in regret?

In the blink of eye? Everything can change. Just let it go loves. Let it go before it's too late.

"Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You'd better know that in the end
Its better to say too much
Than never to say what you need to say again
Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open
Say what you need to say"

xoxo

A case of the in betweens

2011-07-13T16:57:00.000-04:00

I have definitely fallen victim to a case of the "in betweens" -- as it was wonderfully referred to by Highheeled Momma..... All days aren't perfect days, and I get that... and it's not like there is anything necessarily "wrong" it just doesn't feel like most things are right. I've had this feeling for a while, I've blogged about this feeling many times.... but fear.... fear of not knowing what is necessarily behind door number 2, 3 or 4 has been plaguing me to the point that I've kinda just rested comfortably in my office, going to meetings daily, pitching my media, servicing RFP's, developing business.....basically sticking to the humdrum day-to-day business life that I've lead so wonderfully for the last 7 years because well.... it's comfortable.

I can't do it anymore. I really can't. I don't necessarily know what the next steps are or what I'm looking for....but I know what I am not looking for. I know what I don't want. And well, I think it's okay to not necessarily know what you want in the moment that you're searching for it........ so long as you know what you don't want. (that's my theory and I'm sticking to it.)

That said, I've recently decided to step out. On faith? In part. On drive? Possibly? On the belief that I can do absolutely anything I put my mind too? Yes. Yes for sure. I have no idea what is behind these doors but I have absolutely started answering their knocks. And I think I've finally come to the conclusion that whether the person on the other side is worth my time or not.... is all indicative of how I value my time..........besides, no one ever died from opening a door. (well. that's not totally true.)

But you get my drift.

In other news.... The last month (I think that's about how long it's been since I've blogged) has been absolutely nuts.... in a great way. I'll post the happiness shortly..... and though I'd like to say that it's just the busyness of the last month that has kept me from blogging...... I think the truth is I've sort of been at a loss for typed words. Maybe at a loss for words in general. But I'm determined to keep them coming.......... words that is.

xoxo

The first little love of my life.......

2011-06-15T16:33:00.006-04:00

Alicia... 15 months old.
"everything great in life starts with a single step"

I've not yet had the pleasure of being a mom.... but I have been blessed enough to help raise a beautiful little girl.... my baby sister, Alicia. Though our life was not the most idyllic, there were many ideal moments and though we didn't come from much, I made a promise to her... to myself long ago to protect her and give her everything I could. To take care of her. To raise her as though she were my own.... because she was..... my own. My sister. Hers was a little life that was tampered with unfairly. A little life that I assigned myself the task of piecing back together. A little life that all of the odds in the world were against.... a little life that proved everyone wrong... including herself. A little life that proved me right. The first big moment in her life was high school graduation... I had moved away after her junior year and she wasn't sure how she would make it without me there to take her to cheerleading and track, to correct her papers, to talk to her teachers, to give her advice about boys, to hold her hand when she needed.... but we made it work. Relentlessly we made being hundreds of miles away from each other seem like we were still only separated by a bedroom wall. I thought the day that I watched her graduate from high school was the happiest day of both of our lives......

High School graduation... 2005

.....and then this past Saturday occurred. My baby sis. My sister, who is not a baby anymore, but a mother of 2 (almost) babies graduated from college. She completed the first stage in her nursing program and she's well on her way to becoming an RN. I can't tell you how proud I am of her. I imagine the day I birth a child and watch them walk across the stage and accept their diploma, I'll feel something similar, but this? This was different. See Alicia could have given up a long time ago. Many times in her own eyes, she thought she should have given up a long time ago. For every step forward she took, she constantly felt like another one set her back.... at one point, she actually felt like she had hit the lowest point in her life..... it still breaks my heart to think about it.....that point was the lowest point in my own life. But thank God for that moment, because it was then... it was overcoming that point that allowed something to snap in her. She finally believed what I believed all along.... in herself.

7 months pregnant with baby #2... And a college graduate!

Alicia, I am so very proud of you. I have no idea what it takes to be a birth mother, let alone a single mother...but in many ways I feel like I am your mother.... like you are my child..... and no matter the hardships, I would change absolutely nothing about the story that got you to where you are now. You've overcome so many obstacles and you've proved every naysayer wrong and my God did you do it in the most amazing way possible. What you went through wasn't easy and the fact that you not only overcame it, but you used it as a catalyst of growth and success and towards something positive speaks to not only the woman you have become.... but the woman you will continue to be. Your daughters are lucky... blessed... to have a woman like you to call their own. I admire you so very much....the world is yours baby girl. Never, never, never give up. Always believe in yourself and know that if the moment strikes you for even a tenth of a second..... long enough to allow doubt to creep inside of you...... please allow yourself to remember that I will always be here. I will never let you fall. It's you and me baby girl....

....Forever and Always.

Your Big Sis,

Tiffy

xoxo

With Love, Tiffy

2011-05-27T11:42:00.006-04:00

Dear Salon, Thank you for putting the pretty brown highlights in my hair. I absolutely love them-- they are subtle, yet sassy.. pretty yet fierce. Though, because of you now I not only get asked if I am Indian, Pakistani, Dominican or Ethiopian.... now I've been asked 4 times if I'm Egyptian. I wonder what people will think I am if we go lighter... say BLONDE.... I bet then everyone will know that I'm Puerto Rican :).

Dear Dust, I killed you three times this week and I must say you are one hard little sucker to keep down. I bought some plants to assist in your extermination, let's see how this goes.

Dear Plants, I know historically we've not been great friends... my green thumb is a little shaky, but I'm taking a stab at your presence in my home once again to not only look pretty, but to soak up some of the dust in my house. I'm trying to be domestic and dust like a good housewife regularly... that said, can you please, please not die if I forget to water you. We must, we must, we must decrease the dust! Remember: an enemy of my enemy is my friend. Let's be friends... Shall we?

Dear Shoes, I admit it. I have too many of you. I truly do. I am endeavoring to wear each and every one of you between now and the end of the year. If I can't find a way to make any of you work with my clothes, no matter how pretty you are? You must go. I know you look pretty all lined up in my closet and across my walls, but we must find some other pretty toes for you to fit in.

Dear Shoes...again, The aforementioned is my plan. I can not promise I'll stick to it. But I promise to try. Unless you decide you need me and then, well then I can't fathom giving you up for adoption.

Dear Boss, You and me.... we're not quite on the same page lately and though we've spoken about it, I don't quite think you get the gist of things. That's okay though because Summer Fridays are going to start soon, so I'll stay on your good side so I can frolic in the summer sun at ease....... that is until Labor Day. :)

Dear Back, Girl you are HOT. I know it's probably conceited and all to reiterate this to you since you know, you're mine and all... but I've been watching you and I gotta say, I like what I see. We'll make sure to expose more of you this summer, but not too much you know... gotta keep some of that sexiness a secret!

Dear American Airlines, I hate you. I hate that I have so many miles with you. I hate that you are always delayed. I hate that you charge for stupid stuff like breathing air on your plane, I hate that you have so many connecting flights. I hate that your seats seem to be shrinking. I hate that at 5'2" I can notice this. I hate your inconsistencies. But I can say that all of your inconsistencies make me laugh seeing as how you're "American" Airlines and inconsistency IS in fact, the American way. Sadness.

Dear 4th of July, I have big expectations of you this year... I truly do. Don't let me down, please. I intend to barbecue and bake my little heart out, to establish a tradition for years to come with those that mean the most to me... so please, for the love of all that is holy help keep the attitudes and frowning faces away on your great weekend. Thaaanks boo!

Dear Universe, the last time we spoke I asked you not to give me any more weddings this year because I anticipated many more baby showers to follow these said weddings........ and well you're just a humorous little sucker aren't you? 5 babies on the way...........and counting. THAAAAAAAAANKS.

Dear Preggers friends, I love you all and promise to truly try to be original in my gift giving. I swear. But you know... if you happen to see your Baby X and so and so's Baby Y having the same little thingamajigs on? Just nod and say "awww that's so cute" -- don't blow my cover. Mkay? Love you, Mean it.

Dear Alicia, the most important preggers of them all -- I am so, so very proud of you. You're going to be walking across the stage very soon to accept your degree and I can't begin to express how it makes me feel to know that a little piece of my heart is truly all grown up. Your big sis loves you girl... More then words can ever say.... and just in case you doubt it or for one second doubt your abilities to be better than all the rest, I'm putting it out there for the world to know... You miss thing, are phenomenal.

With love,

Tiffy

The tooth fairy has a new face...and it's evil.

2011-05-25T17:08:00.003-04:00

I have pretty great teeth... that's not to say a couple of my cuties aren't crooked... they are and despite many a dentist/orthodontist suggesting I may want to "get that fixed" like Jewel, I am quite fond of the crooked teeth in my mouth...they give my awesome smile character... (really, I believe this) -- that said, I'm obsessed with teeth. Both brushing, flossing and keeping my teeth clean....... as well as staring at people's teeth when I first meet them because really... hands, toes and TEETH can tell you plenty about who a person really is and how they themselves. I digress. So yeah. I? Think my teeth are awesome. They're white. And strong. And despite an overbite, they provide me with a great smile. Basically? I love my teeth. Until last week.

On Tuesday or Wednesday I woke up with an evil, evil pain in my lower left wisdom tooth area. I call the dentist and they say "sounds like you just need a cleaning" -- I give the phone a blank stare for about 20 seconds debating how to respond this ridiculous suggestion..... and I'm all like, "oh no sista, I clean my bad girls 3 times a day. I floss. I mouth wash. AND I COME GIVE YOU PEOPLE MY MONEY 3 times a year to clean them... I'm that obsessed -- this is no cleaning necessity."They doubted me (of course) -- said they've done X-rays of my teeth and my wisdom teeth were "fine" and that it's probably just a gum inflammation due to bacteria build up (I. Die. at the thought). Basically they ignored my pain, said I ignored the cleanliness of my teeth and suggested I come in for that.

**side eye**

I get there... and you know what? They were wrong. My motherfudgin' wisdom teeth need to be removed. And not only that? I had TWO cavities! The horror! -- I've never had a cavity a day in my life. Even when we were too broke to go to the dentist annually and I showed up 5 years later... my teeth were STILL great. So how in the SAM hell do I have cavities now? Have you ever HAD a cavity removed? It's like the tooth fairy is sitting in your mouth stabbing and drilling and laughing at you... pay back for all of those dollars she gave you as a kid. It is NO fun. Especially when in my case one cavity was "deep" and my mouth "ate through the Novocaine" so they had to numb me twice. I damn near died.

But I didn't, I survived and with 900 mg of Ibuprofen to make the survival more livable... and now? They want me to schedule to get my wisdom teeth removal. I haven't yet been able to bring myself to make that appointment. It's scary to think about. I mean I just barely survived a cavity drilling and filling... how does one survive getting wisdom teeth removed? Why now? Why do my teeth decide to pull a switch on me and suddenly need more than our regularly scheduled routine maintenance.

I'm not fan. I'm also no longer a fan of the tooth fairy... it's clear she's an Indian giver because I can assure you I've paid WAAAAAY more in the last 2 weeks then that little hooker ever left under my pillow. So just a reminder for all of you parents and future parents out there:

Just sayin...
xoxo

Happy extremes

2011-05-23T13:03:00.002-04:00

Last week was a bad week. As much of my personal life that I keep off of this blog, I definitely try to keep things "personal" and well in the prior post if you read even the first few lines you know that I was going through something serious. I'm still going through it, but with a much clearer mind... less emotion and more steps of action.

This weekend was great... I did nothing "busy" -- and by busy I mean the typical city weekend -- brunch, shop, roam aimlessly, museum, bike ride, party, drink.... basically over schedule every single minute of my day so that by Sunday night I feel like "where did the weekend go?!?!" -- don't get me wrong, I love weekends like that, but really, I needed this past weekend. I didn't do "nothing" I just didn't do "everything" -- I got the 2nd floor of my apartment cleaned -- which is major progress. I wrote, I organized, I DUSTED (you have no idea), I changed the frames on my pictures, I hung up pictures, I ran, I wrote more, I had QT with a couple of friends at my house... I wrote out a plan of action for my next steps... I actually accomplished 2 things on that plan... I did nothing that didn't make me happy in the moment I was doing it.

I think that's what I've been missing... maybe that is what a lot of us are missing in general. Doing more of what makes us happy in the moment that it is needed as opposed to in the moment we can make it work. Thinking too much, waiting for the right moment, over planning, over analyzing.... can all be just as detrimental as throwing caution to the wind and risking everything for the unknown. That's not to say that I think one way of thinking is better or worse, it's just that I think we can all stand to either take a few more risks or to think things through a bit more. I truly think happiness is found in balance and quite often you have to step outside of your comfort zone to find that balance (but doesn't comfort feel so good??)... I digress.

In my case, I absolutely need to take more risks. I have become my own hindrance. In the last 2 years so much has changed in my life for the better-- my success has grown so much, my happiness has unfolded in a way I never imagined.... that I think I've literally become scared of what else I can achieve. Almost like I'm afraid of being more than what I've already accomplished because I'm not sure how to handle it. I was in such a state of unhappiness for so long that when it all hit me, so fast, so tremendously, I think subconsciously I started to jeopardize my own progress. Kind of like a misplaced need to struggle... I'm not sure this makes sense to anyone who reads this, but essentially I overcame so much in my past that I think I only truly feel good about my accomplishments if I somehow struggled to get there, so the fact that my current successes... my current state of happiness... has come to me with such perceived ease, it's harder for me to embrace it whole heartedly because I don't feel like I did anything to deserve to be this happy and successful. Or better yet... happier and more successful.

I know it probably doesn't make sense as I type it out, but in my head it brings clarity. Do more of what makes you happy. That doesn't mean run off and do something extreme -- it just means don't think running off and doing something that you want to do is necessarily extreme... especially if it brings forth happiness. Find the balance.

"Happiness hit her like a train on a track
Coming towards her stuck still no turning back
She hid around corners and she hid under beds
She killed it with kisses and from it she fled
With every bubble she sank with her drink
And washed it away down the kitchen sink
The dog days are over
The dog days are done
The horses are coming
So you better run"

Brash life decisions... kinda long post, brace yourself.

2011-05-20T11:54:00.006-04:00

I'm typically not prone to make brash decisions. I'm not a planner really by any means, I tend to be spontaneous, but definitely not brash. However, as of late, I've been feeling very brash and on Wednesday I almost made a very brash decision to walk out of my job. It was an emotional day that just confirmed that no matter how much effort I put into my job, my worth isn't valued and my intellect is worth more. I don't care how pompous that makes me sound... but truly, I'm too smart... too intellectually smart to allow anyone to make me look dumb. That aside, though I'm not the most level headed of people at all times, I do make common sense decisions and after a few conversations with my loved ones and about 2 1/2 hours of an intense work out in the gym, I decided (against my better judgement) to stay. To push through. To keep working. To keep doing that which makes me miserable.

I'm still not sure that I made the right decision.

To date, I don't think I've done anything "wrong" in my career. I've been very blessed to be very successful and in terms of my career I think I did things "right". I went to college, interned, graduated college, worked, got fired, worked, quit, moved, got a job in NYC... a market I didn't even live in... a market everyone was sure I wouldn't survive in, survived and excelled.... got recruited and made more money, got recruited again and made even more money, and again -- I paid off all my debt, helped my family, saved, invested -- I've traveled, explored, shopped, dined, lived... all on my own terms with no regrets.... kinda.

What I didn't do? School. I never utilized my GMAT score or my Masters program admissions... ever. I let my GMAT time out. I let my graduate admissions time out. I did all of this knowingly and at the time because my career was doing so well, I felt that was the right thing to do. But it always lingers... that part of my story. My dream. I never fulfilled that part of my dream. When I decided I wanted to go back, what happened? Fear. Straight up fear. How do I stop working as hard as I work to get a degree that doesn't guarantee me anything professionally.... yet I feel like it guarantees me everything personally. When I thought I wanted to go back, I started and then I stopped. I stopped because I wasn't sure if I was going back because I wanted to or I was going back because I felt like I should. Two very different things for a personality like me....

Why didn't I do it? Well... why haven't I done it yet? It's personal... but suffice to say I have responsibilities greater then myself right now.... and I need to figure out a way to manage them better. And truthfully, it's not like I can't find a new job... I get recruited left and right and have recently turned down 2 job offers... got turned down for another job that I was over and under qualified for (imagine that)... I just don't want to take a job to get out of a job... that's not what I want. I know what I want and that's just not it. So what to do, what to do?

Then there is the writing, a couple of people call me a "writer"... the quotes necessary because they feel I'm not a writer because I am not published and my "grammar isn't perfect"... riiiight... whatever, go fuck yourself... I'm a writer alright... and this writer is suffering from a severe case of writer's block. About 6 months ago I posted on my Facebook (and of course called my family and personal friends) about this wonderful opportunity that was afforded to me to be published in a national publication-- it was all exciting, everyone was thrilled... I was thrilled. A seriously thrilling time for me. The publication emailed me about a week ago.... "How is your progress?" -- um... I have ONE paragraph. Seriously... One fucking paragraph in a Microsoft Word document.... which does NOT translate to one paragraph in a publication. I'm not dedicating the TIME to it like I should... at all. A national publication says WE WANT TO PUBLISH YOUR STORY and I'm all sitting here on a fucking paragraph.

A convo with a friend yesterday:

R: what's holding you back? you're in the prime of your life. you're on top of your game. you have plenty of savings. miles of ambition and dreams......what are you waiting for?

me: direction

R: LMAO... control freak. you have a direction... up

R: stop always needing exact answers kiddo.

just let go...fuck the stress

take time, go to a cabin somewhere or to the seaside and just write

or, buy an around the world ticket, they are only about 5k and just fucking live by your own terms for a year.

just be at ease for once.

R: you are your issue.

R: cuz you're conceited.

you think no one can exist without you.

me: i know. i know.

R: no you don't.

if you knew, you'd do something about it.

you should have come with me to the camino.

it would have given you perspective.

me: i definitely need some

R: tiff i know that first step is difficult. trust me. i know.

and when i took mine i didn't have half the resources you did.

i haven't ever been happier. that's the honest truth.

you already know what you want.

you already know how to get it.

remove your lips from the teet and be free.

R: but seriously...

this is all you.

you're scared.

me: yes

of course i am

scared that is

and maybe it is conceit

but it's not purposeful

the stress is killing me

but this job

being tied to this job that i hate

its killing me more

i want success, yes.

i have sucess, yes.

but i want happiness within that success.

and this current success? is misery.

R: you are the ultimate safety net

and unfortunately, that doesn't promote strength.

me: makes sense

R: i'm saying assist yourself.

i used to want to write...and because i kept putting it off, i lost my voice.

i try to write now and i simply have nothing to say.

you can move people with your words...

...fuck are you waiting for?

"i used to want to write...and because i kept putting it off, i lost my voice.

i try to write now and i simply have nothing to say." <--- That? TERRIFIES me.

And now I'm sitting here feeling brash... Really brash.

What the fuck is wrong with me? I was the person who got up and left everything I knew with 200 dollars in my pocket and a pipe dream on a 2 week whim.... it seemed so easy and there was no plan, it just felt right so I did it. What the hell happened? How do you go from feeling like you can do whatever you want to feeling like you can only do it if all of your ducks are in a row? That was never me before.... how the hell is it me now? I see so many people content... but I am not someone who is even remotely content with JUST being content. I'm not going to quit my job and travel the world and look for inner peace... that's not me either. For some that works, for me... no. I'm a worker. A hard worker and I enjoy watching my work dictate my success... I'm just beyond this chapter in my story. I don't expect there to be an easy solution.... but I know there is a simple solution. The question is do I conquer the fear or ride the wave of contentment?

yes...that's the theory.

Eternally indebted to you.... Mom.

2011-05-08T21:34:00.020-04:00

She already had 3 babies and looked this hot!

Dear Mom,

You seriously have had the hardest job in the world. All mothers do-- but you, you had it harder then most. Especially back when being a single mom was sort of taboo, let alone having children with multiple fathers-- but you did it. You did it with class and you did it with dignity. As children, for the most part we were always happy because we knew you were doing everything possible to keep us that way. And I want to thank you for that. I know I've said this before, but I feel like it is really important to put it out there so that the world can know-- so that you, yourself can be reminded in case you ever doubt it.... Mom, you are more than phenomenal.

Mom looking like Alicia... early 70's in BK

Our life wasn't easy and you were not perfect, but you were our perfection. There were plenty of times that we argued, disagreed or were just plain pissed off at each other. But to that, there was so much laughter and happiness in our life. The love that you instilled in us, the humility that you taught us, the strength that you showed us is unmatched by most. I know everyone thinks that their mom is the "best mom" but for everything you did right....as well as everything you did wrong, know that you are the best mom and I am eternally grateful and indebted to you as your daughter.

I look just like my mother here....My favorite pic

Whenever you were overly stern and acted all crazy (remember Max bringing me home 2 minutes passed my curfew and you taking a baseball bat to his Jeep?) we would get so mad and just swear to the heavens above that you were so mean because you "didn't understand" what we were going through. But how couldn't you? Of course you understood...maybe a little too well. We were your world-- so of course you knew what we, as teenagers, were going through. You not only lived it, you perfected it. You became a woman... a mother... at 18 years of age and a single mother at 24 years of age. You were working 3-4 jobs to keep food on our tables, clothes on our backs and distant relatives from stealing us from you. When your own mother suggested you give us up for adoption in exchange for a stable home with her, you didn't even think twice. When our father's mother tried to take us from you, you disappeared before she could find us. You had the maturity, the tenacity, the strength to do all of this on your own, even it meant we had to move once a year-- because you knew that at least in every new home? We were together as one. Our little family. You, our mother and father. You did whatever you could to make sure that no matter how much you were struggling, we never quite felt the struggle. Remember when the Salvation Army covered our entire house with gifts for Christmas? You were crying that whole night because you didn't think we'd have anything to open on Christmas Day, and then they showed-- it is the only Christmas in my entire childhood that I remember. I remember it because you were so happy. We were all so happy. It wasn't the gifts that made us happy so much as it was the collective feeling that everything was going to be alright... it always was. No matter how bad it got? You always made sure that it got better. I am so thankful to you for that.

Puerto Rico, Mom was about 14
Jojo poses the exact same way

I know there are times in our lives that you have probably felt like "the worst mother in the world" -- and we have all probably played some role in you mistakenly feeling like that. I think that's what kids do sometimes. No matter how much we love and appreciate the wonderful person that you are and the sacrifices that you made for us, we find ourselves shouting the loudest the things that we mean the least. Mom, I'm sorry if I ever made you feel terrible, even if for a passing moment. You were not the perfect mother, but no mother is. You were....are... our mother..... and for what it is worth, you are more then loved. You are admired and appreciated. I wouldn't trade you for anyone (not even Maya Angelou).

Sean looks just like Mom in this picture

One day I'll be a mom, and God-willing I will not have to endure any of the hardships that you overcame in our youth, but if I am to come head to head with even the smallest obstacle, know that I am well prepared. You did one hell of a job raising one hell of a woman in me and I look up to you tremendously. For every decision you made, whether for the better or worse, I know I will be a phenomenal mother because I am blessed enough to have you as mine.

I love you Mom. More than these words can ever say and not just today but every day I think you need to be reminded of just how much you have done to make four little lives that much better. We are who we are because you made us. I love you Mom.

We all love you.

Happy Mother's Day. Today...and every day.

In other news....she's still nuts.

2011-05-04T13:20:00.003-04:00

Nick: Can I be Adam?
Mariah: Bow down bitch, I'm Adam AND Eve.

**two snaps for the win**

Mariah Carey named her child Moroccan. Really Lady Glitter Butterfly? You couldn't have gone with at the very least "Morocco" -- I mean the name would still be dreadful, but he could have at least shortened it to Rocco and seemed half normal. It's bad enough that whenever he is old enough to Google, those disturbingly tacky photos above will forever be ingrained in his head -- but you add insult to injury by naming him after a type of fabric or a style of furniture?

Good job cupcake. Good job.

Master Class

2011-05-03T16:32:00.002-04:00

Growing up I always looked to women... more specifically strong, black women for motivation in life. I grew up in the South and though proudly Puerto Rican, there weren't many of us (Latinos) were I lived and though I didn't fit in the "white" world and I didn't necessarily fit into the "black" world, I always found myself admiring the plight, the success, the strength of strong women. Strong, Black women. Maybe it was because their stories often mirrored mine the closest-- abuse, rape, homelessness, struggle. Or maybe it was simply because they were the ones who spoke out about it the loudest. With the most fervor... and if nothing else, I admired that. I'm not sure the exact reason, but it became my way. My way of coping with whatever I was going through... I looked to them to find the next answer that I was in search of. And without fail, somehow, the answers surfaced.

These two women above sit very high on my totem pole of admirable women-- admirable strong black women. And I'll tell you, I wasn't always an Oprah fan-- I've always loved Maya Angelou... her honesty about her sexual abuse helped me find the voice in my own, but Oprah... Oprah I wasn't so sure about. At points I felt as though she was overrated and worshiped a little too close to God for my taste and I felt like I would be a sheep to "follow" her. Over the years I've found myself watching her more, but it really wasn't until her final season and the start of the OWN Network that I took a closer interest to what she had to say. More specifically the show "Master Class." -- Her special on Maya Angelou was amazing. But honestly, that didn't surprise me-- it was Maya Angelou... she speaks and I feel like the world stops moving. Her presence is such a calming one that I expected nothing less then greatness. But when I heard Oprah was doing one on herself, I had my doubts. First, to be interviewing herself, would be her referring to herself as a "Master" which I guess is fine, but added to my thoughts on her having a slight over inflated sense of self worth-- but I decided to DVR it anyway-- after all, she is an influential person of our generation. How bad could it be, right? Within the first 2 minutes of the show my appreciation for her grew to sheer admiration. I know that millions of viewers say this on a daily basis, but man that woman is amazing. I know it sounds fickle and maybe even slightly absurd, but her words were so timely for me:

Listening to her speak... "for ME it would have been a slow death" -- I couldn't agree more. At times I feel like I'm dying a slow death waiting to figure out what my next move will be. How my professional story unfolds. I know that clip was just a teaser, but if you haven't seen the show, I'd strongly recommend watching it. It is so worth the hour spent. I've watched it about 15 times-- as well as Maya Angelou's interview. I think my favorite part of her interview was her thoughts on finding what you are passionate about and sacrificing for it:

“I had loved to dance. I was a dancer and then my knees went bad and I had to give it up. As a young woman the only thing I ever loved was dancing and writing. I didn't love singing. I wouldn’t sacrifice for singing. You can only become great at that thing you are willing to sacrifice for. Miss Holiday [Billie Holiday] was visiting me in the mid-Fifties in Hollywood (I was singing for a living). And, she asked me, “Do you want to be a great singer? You want to take my place?” I said, “No Ma’am. No Ma’am.” She said, “You’re going to be famous. You’re going to be famous, but it won’t be as singer.” So, when Miss Holiday said I wouldn’t be famous as a singer I thought, ‘What a drag’. And you know what? She was absolutely right.”

__________________________________________________________________

I guess it is pretty obvious what is on my mind a lot as of lately -- I'm in a pretty stringent transition. I'm great at what I do-- I really am. But what I do isn't great for me. And that has become the conundrum of my life these days. How do you know when it's time to move. Well according to Oprah in her Master Class interview-- it's "the whisper" -- you always know when it's time to move on because of the whisper. I know I hear the whisper... I've been hearing it for about 3 years now... but it's the sacrifice-- what is it that I'm willing to sacrifice for? I know my passions: Writing, Women, Children, Advertising. How do I meld those? I don't want to just take off, quit my job and try and save the world-- that's not what I'm after. I'm great at what I do... it's just not great for me. How do you know how to answer the whisper? Hell, how do you know when to answer the whisper?

I kinda wish I had Oprah and Dr. Angelou on speed dial.

Don't make the phone gods mad...they get pissy. Literally.

2011-05-02T17:17:00.003-04:00

Since the world is all serious and stuff about Osama (naturally) I thought I'd give you something else to read.

I'm at a times a really random person. Really, the most random things happen to me at the most random times and they often make me inevitably have the most random thoughts. Enter this past Saturday. It started off as a normal great day. Got up, worked out, cleaned a little, chatted with the sisters, walked to the park and met with the running crew, had first day of Training CAMP, left... all was good in the universe. Then? I got thirsty. Like, REALLY thirsty. The reality of the workout combined with the intensity of the training camp run just literally threw my body into omgifidontdrinkmorewaterIwilldierightnow overload. So I drank lots of water. Five 1.5 liter bottles..... in less then a hour. After all of that? I was still thirsty. So I drank a little more. But you know what happened? The more I drank? The more I had to pee... drink, pee, drink, pee, drink, peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Then I realized I needed to run errands.... so, I stopped drinking. Then I panicked.

I was so thirsty but my errands required walking far enough from my house that I wouldn't be able to access my home bathroom and with my bladder in overdrive, I wasn't sure I'd make it. And there were exactly 3 Starbucks (these are as close as it gets to public restrooms in the city) between me and my destination and those lines are always long.... and I was afraid that I'd either die of thirst or pee all over myself in public. So I shared this sentiment (stay home and pee and drink my dehydrated heart out? or walk and risk public humiliation?) with some loved ones and they all thought I was crazy for thinking I'd pee all over myself. So 30 minutes later, I leave the house. 6 minutes into my walk? I run home...had to pee. Waited another 20 minutes (pee'd three more times) left again. I get to through 2 stores and am half a block from my final destination when my flower down below decides she needs to bloom.... I feel like I'm going to pollinate ALL OVER MYSELF...

yep... just like that.

Don't panic Tiffy... just think. Starbucks? Spotted... across the street. So I run across traffic (dodge 2 cars) get inside and of course... a LONG LINE... so I wait all the while talking to my sister trying to distract the pollination from occurring. About I dunno, 5 days later, I actually get in the bathroom which is disgusting (naturally) and you know what happens the moment you walk in the bathroom? You have to pee MORE... so I start doing the pee pee dance, trying to tell my sis I'll call her back as I'm trying to take off my pants, put down my bags and maintain the ILL muscle control to not pee all over myself and JUST as I'm about to hover over the disgusting toilet............................... I drop the phone. In. The. Toilet. And you know what else? Muscle control failure... I'm peeing. ALL OVER MY PHONE... that's swimming in the NASTY TOILET. I can't think straight. Do I reach in? Do I finish peeing? Can I finish peeing? Why am I still peeing?

Finally I finish, reach in, grab my phone and I just stare at it... dripping. Disgusting. Do I rinse it? That's just adding insult to injury right? So I wrap it in tissue paper (gross) and take her home... I was advise to put her in rice, but I don't have any rice so I run to the store and by garlic rice... you know, to mask the pee smell? And well... 48 hours later.....................................

garlic keeps vampires away...
it should keep pee away too, right?

oh snap! it's working! right??

not quite the right date...but still..
i can function a day behind. no sweat.

damnit! close, but not cigar...

.......the phone is not 100% better...close! But not yet ready to use. And you know what? This is Karma. Because not 2 hours before I pee'd all over my phone, I joked on a friend for having an old, ghetto blackberry with a track ball that didn't work.

And you know what I'm carrying around now? THE SAME DAMN THING.

Lesson of the day? Don't joke on old phones. Because the phone gods? Get pissy.

Sadness.
xo

Losing and Gaining it all

2011-04-29T16:38:00.001-04:00

I've been stuck on a blog that I can't seem to get out in it's entirety, so I've taken to writing (typing it on my pc) outside of the public eye because I feel that the reason I can't get the blog out is because... well because it's too personal. And as much as a personal blog this is, I keep my personal life off of it for the most part.

And then I read the below-- and well, let's just say it is timely.... and perfectly, perfectly stated.

___________________________________________________________________________

“The real measure of your wealth is how much you’d be worth if you lost all your money.” ~Unknown

My parents passed down their values which I imagine is the same for a lot of parents who are fighting the good fight for their kids. They taught me that material possessions weren’t going to make me happy, that I didn’t need to try to “fit in” to be happy, and last but not least, I was beautiful just the way I was. That was great and it made sense to me until I started interacting with other kids. Particularly with kids who came from wealthy families. Then it seemed that my parents had lied to me all along.

The messages I was receiving all around me were that I wasn’t pretty enough, that I had to change a lot about myself to be cool, and that I needed to start spending a significant amount of money on clothes.

I can only imagine it pained my parents to see me start to transfer closer and closer to my peer group. In college, I dyed my hair blond, started spending all of my spending money on clothes, and obsessed about what I weighed and who I was seen with. I wanted to make sure everyone “saw” that I was fitting in.

After college, fitting in became secondary to the goal of proving that no longer was I just like everyone else. I was actually better. I would come home during holidays and cast judgment on my parents who continued to live a modest life, preaching the same values.

How dare they, I thought, try to tell me that the world is anything but a rat race to prove who is the prettiest, smartest, or wealthiest? They had lied to me, I was sure of it.

After college, I landed a status symbol job with a Fortune 100 company on the East coast, a nice apartment, and social circle that told everyone around me I’d made it. It was a life choice far from what my parents could understand. The slippery slope of my choice is that people kept validating it. My coworkers constantly complimented my job, my apartment, and my clothes. The people in my neighborhood bragged about their high salaried jobs, their investment banker fiancés, and luxury vacations.

But I couldn’t shake the feeling that something seemed wrong. I wasn’t enjoying my time in the upper crust social strata.

My breaking point occurred in my late 20s while I was working late nights and weekends. I had made a promise to myself that I would literally do anything for my job. This meant that I was willing to forgo looking for a life partner and starting a family, refrain from hobbies that weren’t related to work, and spend less and less time with my parents.

I was willing to become a humorless work robot.

I pushed to get recognition for all the work I’d put into my company, but I did not get the promotion to management that I thought I deserved.

I left the company for a better job and then got fired from that one. It was a wrong fit from the beginning, but I ignored the warning signs. My pride and ego wanted me to succeed and to show everyone at my old company how fantastic my life was after I left. But fate smacked me upside the head on the day I was let go. The day I was told I no longer had a job my instant reaction was relief. I wasn’t going to have to get up the next day and go to work at a job that I hated that paid me a lot of money.

Then I panicked.

How would I pay my bills? Who would find out? Was I failure? Would I have to move back with my parents? I spent one month thinking about where I wanted to go and who I wanted to be. And I was surprised to learn that I really liked myself despite not having a job.

It was a stunning realization to learn that I had wrapped up my identity with work but that I was someone really great when all of that distraction was gone.

Since then my life has gone on a journey of self discovery. With my newly found free time, I started writing. It was a hobby that I had ignored for many years. Writing started a chain reaction of self reflection. When you write about yourself you tend to focus on issues you may otherwise ignore. I started becoming more honest with myself and in turn others.

Despite my fears that I would end up broke and jobless, I met an industry leader who was bright and sharp. He liked my background and took a chance on me. He asked me to take a leap of faith for his company and in return he would take a leap of faith on me. Now I’m working for a boss I admire, with coworkers who support me. I leave work at a decent hour. I’m taking writing classes and regularly contribute to my blog. I’m mentoring young female writers.

I’ve picked up yoga, stopped drinking as much as I used to, and have been seeking out spiritual guidance. And as I sat down for dinner tonight I thought about the things that I believe at this stage of my life. The people I love are beautiful no matter their outward appearance. Trying to fit in doesn’t really do the soul any good. And material possessions are much less important than we try to make them. Now I look at my parents lifestyle and am in awe of how truly wealthy they are and how lucky I am for their wisdom.

___________________________________________________________________________

Have a wonderful weekend loves.

Let the sunshine in

2011-04-19T15:11:00.000-04:00

Over the last few days I received a few emails asking was I "okay" because my last blog post seemed "unlike me".... and well, that blog post? Totally me. On a not so fun day, sure... but totally me nonetheless. I don't like being in bad moods, but that's just the kind of mood I was in that day. In fairness, the next day the sun came out and it was a glorious day-- and my weekend, though wrought with torrential downpour on Saturday, was amazingly fun, relaxing and productive... and well Monday? Monday was a crappy day, but today? Today is better. Today is a good day... not a great day, not an amazing day, but a good day and I'm thankful for it... OOOH- and remember that client who's face I actually burped in?? Well he was totally humored.... so humored he sent me this little book as a gift:

I had to laugh... not sure if it is because he managed to find a book of a little brown girl who has massive burps... or because he said that is what I looked like as I burped coffee in his face.

Wouldn't that make your day better? :)

xo

Suck it!

2011-04-13T15:24:00.001-04:00

Soooo today is one of those days where I haven't stopped running around and everything seems to suck. The weather sucks tremendously and as chipper as I want to be about "oh how the sun is soon to come", really, I just want the damn sun to shine. The city is dreary. This makes everything suck more.

Last night there were murderous thunderstorms that woke me up a whole 36 minutes into my "sleep" and kept me awake until 4:45 this am. As such? This day has been primed to suck massive monkey nuts. I told myself that I wasn't going to let it suck as I ~~attempted~~ failed to meditate this AM because I'm supposed to be all at peace and crap and be thankful for all that is right in the world, right? I mean yesterday I read an article about a 23 year old who was basically decapitated by her boyfriend and another one about two parents both diagnosed with advanced stages of various Cancers and you know, Japan is getting crazy aftershocks that keeps setting them backwards, so REALLY... what does it matter that my day feels like it is going to suck.... it could be worse... right?

Well to hell with it. It sucks.

Massive monkey nuts.

And that's just the reality. For all normal reasons it should be a good day, but it isn't. Maybe it's the fact that my thighs are throbbing from my last work out and my 4" heels are only making them throb more, maybe it's because my hair isn't cooperating and I have one curl that pops up like Alfalfa, maybe it's because the cap of my heel fell off as I was walking to the gym and the "clank" sound of the metal in the heel almost drove me insane. Maybe it was the guy who jumped out in front of my cab and had the nerve to get pissed at the cab driver and make me late to my meeting. Maybe it is because when I got to that meeting I tried to disguise what I thought was a yawn that was actually a burp and I burped in my clients face. Maybe it was because I had never even met that client before so I'm sure he didn't walk away impressed by my amazing burping skills. Maybe it is because Chase bank decided to charge me a fee for no good reason, or maybe it is because when I called Chase I had to curse them out and get the fee refunded. Maybe it's because as I was cursing Chase out, I couldn't actually "curse" and that made me curse them out more. Maybe it is for no other reason then not every day is amazing and sometimes the day just sucks.

Behold! The mood swings of my brain.

Maybe...
xo

Yogic pose goal...

2011-04-13T14:52:00.000-04:00

"So I stood up and did a handstand on my Guru's roof, to celebrate the notion of liberation. I felt the dusty tiles under my hands. I felt my own strength and balance. I felt the easy night breeze on the palms of my bare feet. This kind of thing -- a spontaneous handstand--isn't something a disembodied cool blue soul can do, but a human being can do it. We have hands; we can stand on them if we want to. That's our privilege. That's the joy of a mortal body. And that's why God needs us. Because God loves to feel things through our hands. " Elizabeth Gilbert

Mantra.

2011-04-12T22:22:00.004-04:00

"Believe nothing, no matter where you read it or who has said it not even if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense."
-Buddha

"To laugh often and much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children, to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends, to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch... to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

" Live in the present. Launch yourself on every wave, find eternity in each moment."
-Henry David Thoreau

"Be glad of life, because it gives you the chance to love and to work and to play and to look up at the stars; to be satisfied with your possessions; to despise nothing in the world except falsehood and meanness, and to fear nothing except cowardice; to be governed by your admirations rather than by your disgusts; to covet nothing that is your neighbor’s except his kindness of heat and gentleness of manners; to think seldom of your enemies, often of your friends and to spend as much time as you can, with body and with spirit. These are little guideposts on the footpath to peace."
-Henry Van Dyke

"Dream as if you'll live forever; live as if you'll die today"
-James Dean

Bad Blogger. Tiffy? All good.

2011-04-08T13:13:00.001-04:00

This happens to me every time I lead up to, go on and come back from vacation. It's a bad habit. I just stop blogging. Not because there isn't anything to say-- there is always something to say, but because my mind becomes incredibly consumed with the thoughts of new sites, new countries, new faces, sunshine, palm trees, etc. Wherever the destination, that is what consumes me. But this time, I was also feeling something kinda like this before I left:

It would be just my luck that before I take off to the beautiful land of Negril, Jamaica, I come down with a massive head cold, have boogers flying out of my ears, eyes, throat and nose, can't breathe, can't eat... nothing. It sucked. Tremendously. I tried to work through it because you know "sick days" are code for "free vacation days" so really, I had no issues attempting to pass my pretty little germs off on my wonderful coworkers-- but this cold? This cold decided it was going to bed me... and Thank God for that... because by the time I took my flight to Jamaica, I was feeling a thousand percent better and was able to enjoy this all that the beautiful island had to offer... from the beautiful cliffs that we stayed on, to the 7 mile beach, Rick's Cafe, the wonderful people, the push carts filled with amazing Jamaican cuisine, the fabulous restaurants to the pure relaxation and solitude and sanctity of a perfect vacation. Precisely the escape needed from the city grind and a crazy head cold.

See? Totally worth the absence, no?

Better blogging next week.

xoxo

Happy Keychains... "Happy Carriage"

2011-03-25T16:12:00.003-04:00

So on Monday when my sister was visiting we were doing a little shopping in my version of designer discount heaven-- she was looking for sunglasses, I for beach accessories for my upcoming trip to Negril and I put on this hat. Now I have a small head, so most hats look hilarious on me..... but still I try endlessly to find the perfect beach hat. So I ask Jojo what she thinks and she bursts into laughter while telling me that it is horrendous on my head. I start laughing and give her a hug-- in the process of doing so, this old man by the jewelry counter says something to the effect of at least we can laugh at ourselves, to which replied something to him in a joking manner. We smiled and were about to walk away when he stopped us and said "Thank you." -- He told us we were the first people to have smiled at him all day and he's been smiling at everyone walking by him, but no one will smile back. He then handed us two smiley faced key chains... mine yellow, Jojo's orange-- and told us to keep them because they'll keep us smiling. He said he simply goes by "Mr. Happy" and in his retired age he's decided to make it his mission to ensure that people remember to smile in life. Especially in NY (he's originally from the Midwest he said) where everyone walks around looking "upset or constipated." -- I had to laugh... because it's true! NY is the one place that people are "happy" but always look so "mad." We thanked him for the key chains and went on our way... and to be honest I didn't think about that brief encounter again until just a few minutes ago when I got this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=27Jj0lcmm5Q&feature=youtube_gdata_player

What an awesome mission. "The Happy Carriage" -- these two guys simply strive to make sure that on that particular subway car everyone is "happy".... so simple. So amazing. I wish I could have been on that car. I love this idea. If you live in NYC or anywhere with a metro system, I'm sure you're used to seeing the dull faces, the frowns, the "emptiness" -- I think it's pretty cool that people like this exist. I am not sure I'd ever have the guts to do something like it, but I'd like to think that just smiling at people could be just as effective. The message at the end is also pretty great:

Think independently.

Love each other.

Be human to each other.

Educate yourself.

Wake up.

Love is the solution.

In general, we are always looking for some grand gesture to "change the world"... you don't have to be MLK or Malcom or Mother Teresa to make an impact in peoples lives-- these two guys altered the mood of at least 50 people with a few claps, some cheers and bullhorn. The old guy did the exact same thing, except he used key chains. If they can do it, can't we all?

Rhythm nation and booty shakin'... otherwise known as sisterly love

2011-03-23T18:19:00.009-04:00

"sister to sister we will always be....
a couple of nuts off the family tree"

I love my family. That's no secret to anyone who has known me for five minutes.

I treasure them. I'd do anything for them.

I love them. I live for them.

My sisters in particular are very close to me.... this would be fitting as my nieces, their offspring, are my world. Both of my sisters work so hard... between school, work parenting, being a wife, maintaining a household, etc.... sometimes I think they forget

just how much they are worth. Their value. I try and make them aware

on a regular basis by sending them cards, notes, pictures, gifts or by dropping in to visit them unexpectedly... but sometimes you have to go bigger... to really get the point across.

Recently my amazing brother-in law and I came up with the idea of showing my older sis

just how much we appreciate her... we sent her to NYC for a sisters weekend with me...

and Janet Jackson.

It was sheer perfection-- Jojo and I were insane lovers of Janet and her dance moves and her songs and just everything that came along with that time in our lives when everything was just simple. Jojo was "Janet"... I was the choreographer... and those two roles were very indicative of how we were as sisters who essentially grew up as as twins being just 15 months apart in age and being in the same class since the 1st grade.

We knew it would be the perfect escape for her...we knew Janet would be perfect for the both of us.

She was here for just 48 hours, but we made the most of every single second...
from shopping, to massages, mani/pedi's, to brunching with friends,

dancing like teenagers in our pj's, to doing each other's make up, running around Central Park

and of course going to see our childhood idol.

Janet even performed the song that brought Jojo and I to tears...

she sang it for Michael...

We sang it for Courtney Renee.

only fitting to end the night with sibling love....

It was a magical 48 hours... I feel so incredibly blessed to be able to call

such an incredible woman, my big sis.

Champagne taste... on a self imposed beer budget.

2011-03-22T17:55:00.002-04:00

Today, I missed a sale.... an online sale. For Aviva Stanoff accent furnishings... Do you realize how much this saddened me? Do you realize how AMAZING IT COULD HAVE BEEN to acquire just ONE truly significant piece that I ~~want~~ NEED??? ... but I could not. Because I made this deal. With Jesus. To not shop. Online. Fine. Whatever.

So... as I was moping and sobbing and dying inside, I decided to browse some of my online inspiration blogs in search of you know... things I can find in a STORE.... more importantly curtains for my living room. Anyone who's been to my house knows that my brownstone is street facing and I once had a peeping tom (creepy, middle-aged, smiley faced, white guy in a baseball cap who clearly liked watching me do nothing for hours on end). I discovered him one night (three times in one night) when I forgot to close my blinds. I didn't have curtains up because I'm anal about design and had not found any yet that went well with my theme. Aaaaaanyway, in a bout of fear from my overactive imagination convincing me that he was a serial killer studying my habits (I wish I was lying), I went out and purchased hideous, white opaque, black out curtains from Bed Bath and Ridiculously Overpriced Beyond...with the intention of replacing them in a month. Well, 6 months later and those ugly things are still hanging because I can't find the curtains that would perfectly accent my decor.

Until today. I was browsing Emily Clark's Blog and saw her recent bachelor pad remake and discovered sheer happiness. Curtains that should be in Tiffy's home over dark bamboo blinds (still have to purchase those) happiness....

So flowy. So pretty.

So crispy. So Tiffy.

I need these... immediately. For less than $180/panel.
(180 dollars....a panel... really??? Crazy)

Anywho, they are beauty...and beauty has an expensive price tag. And since I like to buy my champagne on a beer budget.... I have to find these, CHEAP.

32 Years... it's Magic

2011-03-21T11:21:00.011-04:00

"Where there is Love, There is Life."

Happy Birthday Honey B.

With love, Tiffy

2011-03-18T14:49:00.011-04:00

Dear Thighs, We have a love/hate relationship. You're fabulous and all and I love the way your thickness accentuates my hips, but really, could you firm up JUST a bit more? Please. I understand that most of my body mass resides between you and my Rear End, but really, can we handle these 115 (maybe 120 this week) pounds a little better. Mkay?

Dear Rear End, Thank you for being one of my best assets... but we need to discuss why every time I try to lie my back flat down on a bench to press weights, you cause my back to arch... and the instructor is all like "your back is not flat Tiffany" and I'm all like, "but it IS flat, my butt is just ROUND"... and then she just gives me a side eye, like "yeah right slacker" -- She doesn't get you and me... so can you deflate.. JUST A LITTLE. Please?

Dear Age of 30, you have DESTROYED my metabolism. I want it back. I can't even drink a beer (okay maybe 4 beers) without running at least 2 extra miles the next day in fear of Rear End and Thighs expanding.

Dear Tummy, thank you for staying true to my heart and remaining flat. Tiffy loves you.

Dear Hair, I want to cut you... again. And I want to dye you... sort of. But I fear you'll get all pissed off at me and break off like you did 2 years ago when I was all stressed out. So.... here's the deal, I need you to grow faster... so I can cut less and still feel like if you get mad at me again, I won't need to consider pulling a Brandy... or a Beyonce.

Dear Janet Jackson, I can not wait to meet you! Really. I am also secretly hoping you whip a boob out. Just for old times sake.

Dear Clutter, you are now in many little piles all over my house. This is counter productive. Can you just organize yourself please so that I can function? As much as I want to clean you? I just don't have time........ I swear.

Dear Writer's Block, why is that when it comes to blogging, you are never there. But the minute I sit down to write a chapter, you pop up like a bat out of hell (that is not a curse word it is a PLACE!). Leave me alone... please?

Dear Friends, can none of you get married next year... please? Seriously, I have 4 weddings this year and not one of them are in the state in which I reside. I also assume most of you will be preggers next year... seeing as how none of us are *spring chickens* .... you are killing me people. KILLING ME.

Dear Universe, my baby sis is preggers. I secretly hope it is a boy, but will just LOVE for it to be another girl (this increases my chances of having a boy in my little peanut of a head).... can you make this happen? Can I get a 5th niece, please?!

Dear Super, when I call you to tell you that the light in my fridge is out, what I don't mean is for you to come into my apartment and leave a light bulb on my kitchen counter. I know how to change a light bulb. Why don't you just get me a fridge that doesn't have a CAGE around the light bulb that requires both a rocket scientist and bob the builder to remove? Nobody likes a smart aleck (I wanted to curse there)... nobody!

Dear Lady Upstairs, okay.... I've seen you in person, so I know you are the size of a pea on sticks. So why is that you sound like a 1000 pound elephant when you walk around at night? WHY? You're the size of a PEA. I mean you make tiny look massive. So where is the thumping coming from? Do you have a gorilla of a man? Does he throw you down on the floor in a bout of raunchy sex? WHAT IS IT? I need to know. Please.

Dear Chickpea, I love you to pieces. I really do. I look at pictures of us and I'm all like maaaaaan, Jesus knew what he was doing when he created you. Your mama denies you look like me... but again, the world knows different. Jojo pushed you out, so whatever, fine... I'll let her take the credit for your looks. But just know that she gave you? ~~our~~ MY looks ;). (love you jojo, mean it!)

With love, Tiffy

Elusive time

2011-03-17T17:52:00.005-04:00

"The key question to keep asking is, are you spending your time on the right things? Because time is all you have."

- Randy Pausch (The Last Lecture)

I think about death a lot. More specifically my death. I know that sounds morbid, and maybe it is... but still, I think about it often. I also dream about it a lot. Sometimes an actual death happens, other times an insinuated death happens... sometimes the dream is so realistic I wake feeling like I,myself died. As a side note, I dream very vividly. And I almost never remember my dreams, but when I do, I always reach out to the person who was in the dream-- even if we haven't seen each other in years, because (this will make me sound crazy) my family has clairvoyant tendencies and I worry that what I dreamed might come to fruition. So yeah, anyway, death and me? We come in contact more often then I would like to acknowledge and for the most part it doesn't bother me-- but recently, in light of all that is going on in Japan-- I can't help but really wonder about life, as it relates to death. Life... and just how quickly it can disappear right before your eyes. It is predicted that almost 10,000 people have perished in Japan-- that doesn't include the people who are going to die due to lack of resources or the potential nuclear melt down or even the workers who are working on the nuclear plant, knowing they are going to die of nuclear exposure... but they are still there, working to death. Literally. Their time is running out.

I've watched the news clips of people finding remains of their families and it breaks my heart.
Their time ran out.

We're told to always plan for the worst right? That's how we're supposed to live, right? In light of the future and planning for the worst. But really, how can you plan for the worst? How could the people of Japan have planned for this? How could the people of Haiti have planned for their tragedy? How could the mom who was murdered by her husband, or the baby who died by a stray bullet, or the dad who go laid off from his job, or the kid who was diagnosed with stage 4 Cancer.... how could they plan for the worst? By and large, there is no way to plan for the worst, because when the worst comes? It is often too terrible to control.

Time is fleeting. And death... well it is the one thing that we can't prevent. We don't know when it is coming, how it will take us and who we will leave behind in the process. We only know we'll eventually die-- and I guess I'm writing this post to reiterate to myself and to you that it really is important to make sure that we are spending our time, our precious time, on the right things. That we are doing the right things. That we are spending time with the right people. Living in the moment that makes us happy. Working to live and not living to work. Letting the people most important to us know just how much we love them. Righting wrongs and asking for forgiveness. Losing grudges and embracing love. That we are lifting ourselves up in the name of time.... the sanctity of time... elusive time.

Because one day... our time will be up and it will be too late to do all of the things that we should have done.

How are you spending your time?

In the name of Jesus........ and Kimora

2011-03-15T17:30:00.002-04:00

So, I'm a hoarder. Not the real kind that needs meds or therapy or medtherapy (yet) but the kind that really, truly believes that everything I own, I have to keep owning. And really, I'm officially drowning in a sea of shoes, clothes, papers, pictures, knick knacks, etc etc etc.....and I ~~can't~~ won't throw any of it away because i'm convinced the second I do? I'm going to need it.

So I keep it..... everything..... in lieu of a rainy day. When of course, I will "need" it again. The issue? I have shoes that I haven't worn in years (some never worn) -- I have clothes that are still in plastic from prior dry cleaning drop offs. I have stationary unopened. Piles of dvd's and cd's that are ancient. Tons of books are still packed away in boxes. I have magazines read (and unread). And what is worse? I have multiples of MANY things that I thought I didn't own, but I did own, just couldn't find them so I went out and repurchased them (on sale of course) so now I have duplicates.

I guess one can say.... I have too much stuff. (maybe) -- and I need to declutter.... but really, I don't know how to start. I mean EVERY SINGLE TIME I decide I'm going to tap into my inner purge genie and get rid of things... I get nostalgic and I feel the need to keep it. Whether its those Abercrombie jeans from high school that I can still fit and makes the inner hippie in smile with glee... or the custo barcelona sweater i've not worn in about three years, but found in a second hand store for 1 dollar.... or the louboutins that are stretched beyond my size 6 foot and can clearly fit a size 7 perfectly... but I like looking at them and reminiscing on their beauty that once laid upon my feet. Afterall, I got those sample for only 50 bucks. Or these pretty little candle holders that don't fit anywhere, but I found them in a vintage store for 5 bucks and recently saw them selling on ebay for 100 (score?!)..... or the amaaaaazing vintage chair that is mid century (and maybe haunted) but so perfectly me... but just holds my clothes...but always gets such great compliments... and most importantly my nieces little slippers from their first visit to NYC or their five million drawings in which they profess their love for me........ HOW DOES ONE PART WITH THESE THINGS?

This is where Kimora comes in.......recently, in the wee hours of the morning... I turned to what I do ~~best~~ frequently. Celebrity advice. (after all, it was Jessica Alba who confirmed for me that making millions (no, I don't make millions, she does) didn't mean you can't shop on craigslist) --- so this time? Kimora told me (sort of) that I would never feel balance in my life unless I decluttered my life and got rid of things that I don't use or need. She even thanked Jesus after all of her stuff was gone. And I? Love Jesus.

So. In the name of Jesus.... and Kimora..... I, Tiffany, am endeavoring to get rid of most everything I don't need and/or use.

I'll start with my closet.....

We'll see how this goes.

Four letter words... a subtle addiction.

2011-03-09T17:18:00.008-05:00

It's been a little while. Lots of changes going on and fun things happening. This week alone... or maybe I should say this week and last week alone have been particularly draining. Today is Ash Wednesday... and well, you know, this is the day that good, bad, and great devoted Catholics run to mass, give an offering, say a prayer, get ashed down by a priest and then sacrifice something that is sort of like a vice for 40 days and 40 nights. So yeah... I went with no online shopping (I have moral support from my girlfriend who too has ~~a problem~~ fun shopping online for great deals). I also went with not cursing. Now, let me be frank, I find sheer pleasure in saying 4 letter words with extreme punctuation. This makes me happy. Like, BEYOND happy. I blame this all on New York. As before here? I was a perfect southern belle with no cause to speak like a sailor.... I swear.

I thought not saying four letter words would be easier then not shopping online, as my penchant for online shopping merely stems from my inability to buy anything full price.... not from any dyer need to actually spend money. And cursing? Well I don't think I have an actual problem cursing. It is people in my life who have a problem with the cursing... more specifically, my cursing. So clearly, I did this as a courtesy to them.

The transition of not shopping however, I envisioned to be something like this:

Literally. I thought my worst fear would be walking around in my skivvies having to shop... after counting down the days until I could score something amazing on ideeli, or gilt, or net-a-porter, or yoox, or luisaviaroma.... (you see the trend?) But cursing? That I thought would be a breeze. But you know what? Day one has barely begun and I already am craving a four letter word. What is worse, is the four letter words are salivating off the tip of my tongue and dangling in the crevices of my brain dying to be shouted off the top of my lungs.

I really. really. really want to curse.

Shop? Not so much. So I guess I was wrong. Dagnabbit (I did NOT want to type dagnabbit just then) I hate having to admit I'm wrong. Clearly shopping is more manageable then cursing.

It's just 40 days right?

In more important news......... my chickpea? Is turning ONE this weekend! Really... who cares about wanting to curse and not being able to shop online when you get to see this little face regularly?

My sister is in denial that this child looks like me... I'll allow her to
claim this little bundle because she birthed her...but really? She is ALL TIFFY!

See? All is better in the world. Just look at those teeth!

"I forgive you"

2011-02-16T19:12:00.009-05:00

"The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget;
the wise forgive but do not forget"

Those are hard words to say..... well, hard words to say and actually mean. I was watching Private Practice this morning before work and one of the main characters who was a victim of rape had to encounter her rapist after he was let go without jail time. She was put in a position to either save his life or end it.... it was a tough situation (a TV dramatized tough situation) but in the end not only did she do the "right" thing, she also told him "I forgive you" ....and it left me wondering if I'll ever be able to do that.

Forgive my attacker. The attacker of my family.

He was supposed to be my stepfather and protect me... but he didn't. His urge to molest/rape/beat/mentally destroy my family and I were apparently much greater needs that he had to satisfy. And he did so with no apologies. With every poke, prod, insertion, slap, kick... he took little pieces from us that as much as we have progressed, in many cases are still lost. Oddly, I don't hate him. He's not worth my hate. To hate him would take too much energy. He doesn't deserve to have anything else of me then what he took many years ago......my innocence.

That aside, he served his time in prison and is now out, living in Raleigh as a registered sex offender... living life incognito...adamantly denying that he ever did "anything wrong" -- he was framed he'll say. He had no choice but to plead guilty he'll say. Well I say humans lie, but blood stains, scars, bruises and vaginal exams do not. We once saw him in Triangle Town Center, looking like a regular, unsuspecting man... quietly passing by 20 or 30 kids... with an odd smile on his face. If you didn't know him, you would think nothing of that slight smile.... but if you were once a child in his life, that smile would send the very chills down your back that it did mine.

I don't know. I don't hate him. I don't fear him. I don't even have a grudge towards him. But I don't think, with sound mind and open heart, that I can ever say that I actually forgive him. I'm not sure I even care to try to forgive... I'm not sure I'd feel any different then I do now. I do wonder though, what I would say the day I came face to face to him..... whatever it is, I highly doubt "I forgive you" will be anywhere close to the words that will fall from my lips.

“You can't undo anything you've already done, but you can face up to it.

You can tell the truth. You can seek forgiveness. And then let God do the rest.”

obsessions, inspirations, revelations.

2011-02-15T15:24:00.004-05:00

BHLDN, Fendi, Baroque, Amber, Balenciaga, Nini, Commes de Garcons, Thigh Highs, Giovanna...

oh my......

Iron Bird Escapes

2011-02-15T15:00:00.001-05:00

"for whatever we lose (like you or me), it's always ourself we find at the sea" e.e. cummings

The city can be so taxing sometimes. The very thing that you love so much about it is the very thing that can drive you to want to escape so far away from it. It is said (and I completely agree) that New York is the one place that you can be surrounded by thousands of people and feel completely alone. There is a beauty that this city has that no other place in this country can compare to.....but that beauty is covered in pounds of soot and grime and though grey is a color of beauty, to see it daily can sometimes make your world feel tense and a bit gloom. One of my first bosses in the city told me that the only way he had been able to live in the city his whole life and manage to avoid misery, was by leaving the city every weekend. For him it was sailing in the summer and skiing in Vermont in the winter. At first I just wrote it off as him being too old for the city life, but the longer I've stayed here, the more his advice has rung true. And I tell you, to have made it this long here, leaving the city to breathe a different kind of air has been just as important as managing to stay in the city and succeed.

This past weekend was the perfect reason to just get up and go to that place that brings nothing but solace and a new perspective. 60 degree weather, sand, sea, b&b, bar locals, dolphins and pretty, pretty antique trinkets all made for a relaxing, much needed city escape. So much that now being back in the city.... I feel just a little more at peace.....relaxed.....content. A much needed escape.

Take time for yourself... for sure if you don't, you're bound to get caught up in the vices of everyday life that prevent you for taking time to stop and smell the roses.......... or sea.

xoxo

Many moons ago.... a forever Valentine reminder....

2011-02-14T17:47:00.004-05:00

My dearest forever Valentine

is not defined

by jewelry, chocolates, roses, or wine

My forever Valentine is defined

by the times

I rewind in my mind

and think of when she were mine

Her brown eyes shine

on my early morning memories,

her smile brings out my sensitive tendencies,

her laugh though miles away

provides the sweetest company,

My forever Valentine

underlines my heart,

runs through my veins and drips onto the pages of my soul,

my forever Valentine completes me,

makes me whole,

although we dearly departed,

not a day passes that she is disregarded,

my forever, sweetest, Valentine

of mine

is all that I want

and want to know.

She knows,

and the question is posed,

who is this forever Valentine that's been chose...

simply to the one

this letter has been disclosed....

"What was I thinking"

2011-02-07T15:45:00.005-05:00

I can't speak for men, but surely for women when I say that the question ..."what was I thinking" ... tends to come up quite a bit when us girls get together and discuss our pasts and where we once were compared to where we are now.... and it often starts with a bottle of wine and ends in with a bucket of laughter (and quite often tears from all of that laughter)...

This weekend was spent with quite a bit of girl time and that of course involved chatting it up and catching up about the "what were we thinking's" in our lives and I must stay.... I can't wait until I have a daughter, so that I can share the wealth of knowledge I've gained... .not only from my friends, but from my own experiences. I mean, we laughed incessantly -- from the being "depressed" over being broken up with TWICE in 4 weeks ... the first being on a birthday (really, who breaks up with someone on their birthday??) -- to the homeless moocher who had more garbage bags then the sanitation department, to the one night stand that couldn't get the meaning of "one. night." -- to the guy who could only have sex "from behind" and the girl never quite understanding why she felt that he was not "emotionally attached" -- to the chubby douche bag who was great in bed, to the tall dark and handsome perfect guy..... who may or may not have actually "been inside" --- the guys we strung along just to not feel alone or the guys we cut off without thinking twice about their feelings..... there were so many "what were we thinkings" that one blog isn't enough to capture it. But it was hilariously perfect to compare stories and just genuinely be able to laugh about it all.

It's wonderful to be able to just sit back and reflect on those times in our lives in general... those times where we thought we had everything all figured out and we just knew that this person was THE person and were going to live happily ever after.......... until we realized that that person was from the the one and we were far from having it all figured it out. Or even beyond relationships, I think the same can be said for friendships that didn't last or jobs that didn't pan out...... hell even things as simple as hair cuts that we thought made us look one way and they clearly had us looking the wrong way.... It's all an amazing learning curve.

I think to simply say "you live and you learn" doesn't quite capture the essence of really coming in to your own... or growing out of certain phases....whether that is relative to the significant other in your life or to a job/career path, or whatever.... I think a better way to articulate it is simply to say to ourselves that everyone we have encountered in our lives becomes a little part of the person we eventually grow to be. I don't think any encounter is idle. For better or worse, those crazy encounters happened, those raw emotions needed to be expelled, that boss that made you feel like crap day in and day out, needed to exist in your life if for nothing else then to prove that you could somehow grow and learn .... that you could overcome any obstacle..... and most importantly to teach us that though in the moment it feels like it is "the worst thing possible" --- before you know it, you'll be sitting on a friend's sofa, laughing as you reflect and ask yourselves"what was I thinking??" ....and then you'll just stop for a brief moment and come to the unanimous realization that you weren't thinking at all.... you were just living in the moment, and that is exactly how it should be.

xoxo

I kinda love her. Really.

2011-02-04T16:08:00.000-05:00

I wonder if I tell you....

2011-02-02T12:49:00.000-05:00

...how much that I love you.

You make my heart melt

into teeny tiny pieces of happiness

and most days I just can't seem to function

without the sound of your voice

at the very least

the thought of it.

You mean the absolute world to me

and I thank God daily for you

and the happiness you bring

to my life and my heart.

Thank you

from the bottom of my heart

for being you.

I love you.

The sleepless trend and the thoughts

2011-01-25T04:08:00.003-05:00

Or at least it is my new trend. I work, work out, socialize and hang out, get home pass out and wake up somewhere around this time (3 am) wide awake with a full brain and unable to get back to sleep. There are a million reasons why this could be the case, but right now I can't do anything but blog. So why not blog about all of the things that popped in my head the second I woke up.

1. "Shit-- I passed out in my yoga clothes" -- other then the obvious reason why this is an issue? Two little sweaty words. Bikram. Yoga. -- yeah, so that's the first thing.

2. " Fuck. Shoes." -- I'm in a wedding and we are searching for shoes. I think we're all supposed to wear the same shoe. With 10 personal style preferences and personalities, I think this is going to be a challenge.

3. "No!! The proposal. Forgot to send after I finished it" -- work was bound to pop up at some point. So I guess I'll get to work super early after the gym and send it before 9 am. Having a new assistant is a challenge and getting her used to how I work is even more of a challenge-- especially since if I had my way, she wouldn't have even been hired. Thank God for Cara.

4. "Did I read that right?" -- Note to self, don't read things that are bound to make you feel any sort of extreme emotion when you're wide awake at 3 am. You're brain processes things much differently at this hour on this few hours of sleep.

5. "Vacation" -- It also may not be a good idea to be browsing online for vacations, but I'm about to book another one.

6. "Resume!" -- I totally forgot I was supposed to do a friend's resume and that was like 2 weeks ago. Why I'm remembering this now, I have no idea, but I need to hit him up and work on it.

7. "When am I going to replace that picture" -- Audrey's been hanging for just over 3 years. I love her. But it's time to change her. We all know I get bored easily... I'll move her downstairs to my bedroom and put something else across my brick wall.

8. "My eyebrows really need to be threaded" -- self explanatory. "Oh. and I need to bring some more color to this bathroom... I think I'll change the rug."

9. "I need to register for next semester... I forgot." -- this speaks to me really needing to write things down. It's no secret that I'm not a fan of all things organized. I'm convinced that when I have a family all of that will happen, but right now when it's just me, I'm good with living in the moment and doing things as see fit. But I guess this is not so good when I forget to things like.... register for class. At least I already paid for the semester though!

10. "I should stop blogging and actually do the things I forgot to do already.... and maybe I should look at that "To Do" list that I never follow to see what else I need to do."

Good plan Tiffy. Good plan.

p.s. I wonder why trying to go back to sleep... never crossed my mind.

xoxo

Positive thought of the day

2011-01-20T14:56:00.000-05:00

Sent to me by dearest, bestest, love ya long time, most loveliest college friend, Tiff Levy. It made my day, Hope it makes YOURS :)

xoxox

It's just loud noise....

2011-01-17T15:01:00.001-05:00

My grandmother has been visiting my family back home for the last couple of weeks and I really wish we could just convince her to stay there. Not necessarily living with my sister which is where she is currently staying, but definitely figuring out a way to get her her own space so she can maintain her independence and finally have somewhere pretty to call home. She lives in what I consider to be a wretched building even though its in an amazing neighborhood. Like most older buildings, she has a slum lord for a landlord and since she's been in that building for 30 plus years and pays almost nothing for rent, he spares no expense to torture her as her apartment slowly unravels in front of her. It's bad enough she has to walk up 6 flights of stairs, but when lower floor apartments come available, the slum lord doesn't even acknowledge the states request to move her to those lower floors...he just takes the opportunity to remodel it and get some overly excited new comers to NYC to pay this ridiculous amount of rent. I don't get it. I mean her apartment being on the top floor would absolutely rent for more since she has a view of the bridge and city and you know, in NYC that can easily take a few hundreds dollar on to your rent bill (a view.... it is all in the view) -- but he doesn't care. He just wants her out. Regardless that she pays her rent. Is a stable tenant. Takes great care of the apartment. Is disabled and can't just "get up and move" -- he just wants her out. Little things are slowly breaking in her place, the tub needs to be replaced, her refrigerator never gets cold enough, her floor is peeling up, mold in the bathroom.... all sorts of crap that damages her health, and he just doesn't care. A silent form of torture in the hopes she'll finally throw her hands up in despair and move.

I wonder if he treats his own mother the same way.

Anyway, she's on my mind heavy because I just finished talking to my sister and she feels my grandmother is at peace at her house, but constantly reminds Jo that she MUST go back home. Because she has SO much to do.... the woman just has doctor's appointments and her Korean soap operas. Oh... that and my overgrown uncle who doesn't do anything but run up her bills and act like a kid and complain to her when she doesn't cook for him. Sounds like fun right?

As much as we want her to move down South....as terrible as I think that her living situation is... as much as her slum lord and super torment her with loud music and unfixed elements in her apartment -- I don't think she'll ever leave where she's at. I often go back and forth in my head feeling somewhat guilty for the life that I live and for having the things that I have and knowing my grandmother doesn't have as much. I have told myself I could be responsible for her and move her to a better place and get her out of this city.... but I realize it is more my discomfort then hers. She complains... a lot, but as much as she complains about her building/apartment/living situation-- I don't think she wants to really change because it gives her something to "do" ... something to "complain about" .... and in some weird way, it makes her feel like she has a purpose. So she'll stay there. Likely until the day she dies..... seeming miserable, but enjoying it because she has a purpose. I feel like that is sad, but I guess we all live how we choose. So I'm just going to continue stopping by, cleaning her apartment, taking her shopping at random and giving her little things to smile about because I love her. But the fact that I love her is also the reason that I'm going to stop stressing where she lives-- whether it is here or down South. The truth is, if she wanted to change by now.... she would have.

We all change when we're ready. Until then? It's just loud noise.

xo

Schedule gone bad

2011-01-10T02:02:00.002-05:00

I am on such an odd sleeping schedule as of lately-- I can't seem to snap out of it. I think it is attributed to traveling so much over the last 6 weeks and just not being able to get a hold of my typical sleep schedule. Not that I am at all regimented in when I actually go to bed, but I typically can bank on being passed out at a reasonable hour when I know I have to go to work... and well, seeing as how it is 1:46 in the morning.... on a Sunday, and I have a meeting first thing in the AM, you would THINK I'd be knocked out dreaming about fairy's and pretty shoes.... but no. I'm up. Blogging. (and browsing pretty shoes online). I am pretty anti anything supplement that puts me to sleep, but I'm 2 more days of odd hours of sleep away from purchasing a super bottle of Tylenol PM and drinking it down with a warm cup of milk.

I guess the only thing to come out of this being awake in the middle of the night/morning, is my apartment being cleaned..... and redecorated (for the millionth time)-- Though in truth, my bedroom looks like a clothing store that just got robbed. I mean everything is everywhere.... really, everywhere. I am all out of closet space and need to come up with a nifty/thrifty plan on how to expand my closet space soon.

Anywho...back to the redecorating.... I have been stalking this amazing chair for I don't know... THREE YEARS... refusing to pay full price, but dreaming of it magically showing up in my house having been purchased at like a tenth of the full price.................................... and I finally FOUND IT!

Everything about the design, construction and scale of this chair is sheer perfection.... it is such a classic piece that will go with almost any aesthetic. I managed to haggle the store employee into selling me the one that has been on the floor for a fraction of the cost and got an additional 15% off for needing to clean it. AMAZING... really, amazing. So now I'm sitting at home looking at this lovely chair.... grossly out of place in my living room waiting.... to be taken downstairs to the first floor of my apartment when I sell the other less amazing chair that it will replace...... I could use some new curtains to offset the chair as well........ hmmm..... maybe I'll stop looking at shoes for now and "browse" curtains.... or hang up the clothes in my bedroom...... or maybe I'll just work out...........

THIS is why I need to sleep.

Anywho...

+1 for Tiffy for getting super awesome chair for super awesome cheap price.

-1 for Tiffy being awake and potentially spending money on curtains that she is delusional enough to believe she needs because its 2:01 in the AM and she can't sleep.

Night Night loves.
xo

The well heeled debate

2011-01-05T17:21:00.002-05:00

Girlfriend- Tiff, I don't think you can wear those shoes to any office outside of NYC.
Tiff- Why? They are work shoes.
Girlfriend- Right. But they look like "working girl"shoes with that heel.
Tiff- It's a classic black heel. It can be dressed down during the day and dressed up at night.
Girlfriend- It's a 4-5" heel.
Tiff- I'm not a banker. And it's BLACK. Basic. I'm 5'2... it's not like I'm wearing them with a mini skirt.
Girlfriend- Ask anyone... they'll agree. You've lived in NYC, too long. You won't be able to wear those heels anywhere else for the office. At night, sure, the office, no.
Tiff- The world can not be that old school... it just can't be.
Girlfriend- No. You are just too "new york."

The shoe.......

Opinions... anyone? Is this really considered office "inappropriate" outside of NYC? I mean, a nice shift dress and a cardigan... or a pant suit and blouse... what is the big deal?

Thoughts?

The 68 thousand dollar lesson

2011-01-04T17:03:00.004-05:00

....I'm a new soul

I came to this strange world

Hoping I could learn a bit about how to give and take.

But since I came here

Felt the joy and the fear

Finding myself making every possible mistake....

I spent the New Year in DC and was able to vibe on a deeper level with one of my closest girlfriends about life, love and the usual antics that make up our eventful lives and since she and I come from similar family backgrounds, the topic of family and how we handle their needs came up. It was a good discussion that allowed both of us to reflect on how our families affect us for the better and in some cases the worse... and oddly, the best advice that came out of these discussions that she and I had, came from neither one of us at all. It came from a man I met for all of 3 or 4 hours and it's such a simple piece of advice and it was said in such a matter of fact way that I'm not sure why it is currently having such an impact on the way that I think and feel... but simply he said;

"It doesn't matter what you do to help people. You can give them money, you can take them where they need to go, you can teach them the language they need to know to survive, you can hold their hands when they fall, you can go so far as to take care of their every need... the truth of the matter is that none of that matters or helps. It's all in the will to learn on their own. To better themselves. To want to be more. Until they want to be better then themselves, they will always just be, themselves...for better or worse."

And I'm realizing, it's true. People are who they are and we can't change them. By "trying to help" them change, we are actually just enabling their bad habits and that often creates a monster of expectations that leaves us feeling slighted and under appreciated. But quite often, it's not their fault that we feel under appreciated... the reality is that we created the beast so its up to us to tame it. No matter how much we love them and want to make them "better"... they have to want it more. They have to be willing to do more. And the moment they do, the second it clicks for them, all of the pieces will fall seamlessly together. Until that happens, intangible support is the best support. I have all of the faith in the world that this is the right mode of thinking.... this is the best solution.

“You cannot save people, you can only love them.”

-Anais Nin-

Twenty Ten

2010-12-31T10:53:00.003-05:00

One of the best years of my life. From love to travel to babies to homes, to new beginnings, to fresh endings to financial success to pure happiness... Serenity, Love, Peace and Happiness.... I wish you all that and much, much more in the New Year.

Happy New Year!

My year in Status

2010-12-17T20:12:00.001-05:00

Facebook has this little app that sums up your year in random status updates you've posted... each year it makes me laugh... this year, for sure makes me smile. Amazing Year indeed! If you haven't done it and have a facebook account, you should absolutely try it... it's kinda hilarious to go back and see your thoughts through out the year. I'm so excited fr 2011!

Forgiving the essence of evil

2010-12-16T00:12:00.005-05:00

The other night I was trying to clean up my DVR and was catching up on older episodes of Oprah. The episode that caught my attention the most was the one featuring Dr. Bill Petit. The doctor who's wife and two daughters were murdered, raped, beaten and set on fire as he was down stairs in the basement having been tied up by the monsters who were responsible for the slow demise of his family and his life. Oprah was asking the typical questions and the interview was a great, intriguing one--- one that was met with sorrow and triumph, but the one question she asked, "have you forgiven the men who did this to your family" struck with me. Dr. Petit is a deeply religious man and I though for sure he'd say something alone the lines of us all being children of God, etc. etc. etc. and forgiveness was essential, yada yada yada.... but instead he put into words what I think is the most eloquent and honest answer that anyone who has ever experienced evil and harm done to their family, could have expressed. And it is an answer that I myself will use and I think any person who has ever experienced any sort of vile behavior done to them, or their family or loved ones should use as well. It is the exact answer I feel when people ask have I or my family forgiven my monster of an ex-step father for the crimes he committed against my family. In watching that episode, I can only thank God that we made it out of our nightmare alive.... not everyone is as lucky.

Dr. Petit's answer to Oprah:

"I don't think you can forgive ultimate evil. You can forgive somebody who stole your car, slapped you in the face, insulted you, or caused an accident that may have harmed you or your family. But forgiving evil? No. I think forgiving the essence of evil is not appropriate."

Perfectly stated.

Beautiful Me. Beautiful You.

2010-12-01T10:01:00.000-05:00

I was sitting on the train the other day and this woman looked at the woman standing next to her and told her she had beautiful hair-- instead of saying "thank you" the woman just looked bothered, then said "I'm having a bad hair day, but thanks anyway" -- I'm guessing this is what sparked this post in general, because for the life of me I couldn't figure out why the woman thought to put herself down before acknowledging that someone else thought in that moment, her hair looked beautiful. We women are just way too critical of ourselves. I mean as a whole, what makes us "women" is what makes us strikingly beautiful. We have the ability to give life to another being...that in itself makes us beyond beautiful, but as whole, physically speaking, I've always been fascinated by the female aesthetic. I think women are inherently beautiful. Everything about us. Whether we are tall, short, lean, curvy, athletic, boyish, round or a mixture of many.... Long hair, short hair, curly or flat... brown eyes, blue eyes, hazel or grey, women are beautiful, beautiful beings.... beautiful beings who quite often are very critical of themselves and other women. I don't think one person can ever say that they have never looked in the mirror and not thought "I could change this... or tone this... or snip that... etc..." but being overly critical of yourself is just pointless and counterproductive.... so I decided to honor myself in this post... what I deem to be my own "beauty"... and hopefully it will inspire other women to do the same...

One of my favorite things to do is stand in front of my full length mirror and count all of the beauty marks that fall sporadically across my body. From the right side of my face across my cheek and as they swirl all the way down around my neck, across my lower back and onto the left side of my lower body. It's like God constructed my body by way of a long though out game of "connect the dots" and if you start from the top and connect one beauty mark to the next, in one seamless swirl of a line you'll find yourself at the lovely bottom... one whole long piece of Beautiful Me. Then there is the dip in my lower back and the muscle definition across my shoulders and the pivot of my hips from the tiny squeeze of my waist. My hips, in all of their curvy proportions, are the single most defining part of my body. I love how his arms can wrap three times over around my waist but when those hips come out to play he has to grip juuuust a little harder to contain the curviest part of my body. And my oh so flat stomach which graciously allows my hip bones to protrude as if to say "yes, we are the gatekeepers of this tiny little frame" ... they also point you right to the direction of my thighs... my freakishly strong thighs. Thick and defined, muscular and feminine, elongated and curvy, with a dimple here and maybe a dimple there, smiling because they are happy to be attached to Beautiful Me. And how could I go so low without remembering the top.... the long neck that houses many of my beautiful beauty marks, the pretty brown eyes that smile at you before my heart shaped lips move, the button nose that I have exactly like my older sister, the tiny ears that can hear anything from a mile away, The one dimple on the right side of my face, my crazy unruly curly hair that takes it formation in straight strands, my perfect smile with imperfect teeth.... all a part of Beautiful Me.

Love yourself ladies... hug yourself ladies. Stand in front of a mirror and be proud to be Beautiful, Beautiful You.

On being Thankful

2010-11-25T10:00:00.002-05:00

Everyday we are alive we should be thankful for that one extra breath we were given to live another day.... that one breath that someone else fell short of when they least expected it. When times seem hard, we should be thankful for the strength to fight through and persevere, and when we they are good we should be thankful for the hard times that preceded them and they good times that follow. Everyday we should be thankful for the loved ones that we have in our lives, even if at times they cause us strife-- because there are millions of people, young and old, in the world with no family to be happy or fight with.

Everyday is a day to be thankful.

"Enjoy the Little Things in Life, for One Day You Will Look Back and Realize They Were the Big Things"

Happy Thanksgiving.

Ten Things Today

2010-11-17T17:39:00.008-05:00

1. Kings of Leon at MSG was the best concert I've been to... probably ever. Like seriously EVER. They performed 4 songs in the encore! IN-SANITY.

2. Dave Matthews at MSG was good, but not the greatest that he's ever done... but he played "Crash" and I almost died of excitement and was completely hoarse from screaming that song at the top of what I am sure are my very tiny lungs.

3. I leave for Akumal, Mexico in less than 24 hours........ I've packed nothing. Like, nothing.

4. I got the first robe I've ever owned in my life for my birthday this year. This made me super excited because I always told myself I'd buy one, but I never have because I like to walk around nude and air dry. I still haven't figured out how to incorporate the robe into my daily routine, but it's so cute and comfy, I must figure it out.

5. Bailey is about to turn 4. BAILEY IS ABOUT TO TURN 4! Crazy.

6. I went to the Manolo Blahnik sample sale last week and after sorting through a pile of ugly, I stalked an unsuspecting woman for 3 hours. She dropped the left shoe by accident and I picked it up since it was the one FABULOUS black strappy pair in my size that didn't look like it had crawled off of a J-Lo video circa 1998. The woman put the right shoe on hold-- then left. Big mistake. I swooped in and bought the shoe... for 76 bucks less then I should have paid because it was the end of the day. Sample sale politics... gotta love them.

7. The invite only Christian Louboutin sample sale is this week-- I can't stalk any unsuspecting, unseasoned sample sale shoppers because I'll be out of the country-- but I've sent in a ringer. OH YEAAAAAAAH.

8. I think I have shoe problem. It's okay. I work hard, I've earned it... right?

9. I now have 8 completed, new chapters of my memoir. EIGHT CHAPTERS! I scrapped over 300 pages a year ago and think it was the best decision I've ever made for my future writing career.

10. I met Iyanla Vanzant and not only did she inspire me beyond belief (a blog post in itself) she also told me I looked like a young Halle Berry! I don't believe for one second that I actually do, but still thought it was fabulous for her to think so! :)

maybe if you squint REAAAALLY HARD... to the point of being blind... I could totally see it ;)

Happy Wednesday!

xoxo

Wordless Wednesday

2010-11-10T18:42:00.005-05:00

“There are four questions of value in life... What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made?

What is worth living for, and what is worth dying for?

The answer to each is the same.

Only love.”

A basal exit.

2010-11-09T13:37:00.000-05:00

I have no idea why doctors are on my mind so much these days... but today I'm at my Gynecologist' office and after I finish my annual check up he says to me:

"What about a basal thermometer?"

Now. Let me preface this to say, we were JUST talking about what we are cooking for Thanksgiving dinner..... So naturally I responded,

"Don't you stick that in the turkey after the stuffing and just before the oven?"

**BLANK STARE FROM DOC**

"Basal Tiffany, with an A. Not Basil, with an I."

**BLANK STARE FROM TIFFANY**

Then he shows me an example... that sort of looks like this:

**BLANK STARE FROM TIFFANY**

So of course, I'm intrigued as to what leads this man to believe I'm trying to track my ovulation cycle... I intend to give him the benefit of the doubt because for the life of me I couldn't remember the start and finish of my last two periods (I always think I'm going to write this down, but I never do)... So I asked him why he thought I needed to start tracking my ovulation when I'm not married nor did I say I was trying to have babies.... and he said:

"Well Tiffany, didn't you just turn 30?"

.....

**TIFFANY WALKED OUT**

So much for having a GREAT gynecologist I could refer you to... Hey doc, how do you like this little baby????

xoxox

Bob the Builder is essential to a happy life.

2010-11-05T11:37:00.009-04:00

So my Russian mom and I are having this conversation that started off about modern day women and turned into venting about one of her son's lazy girlfriends. (I should mention that she talks about her sons as though they were birthed via immaculate conception and well clearly, no girl is quite good enough for you know.... "Jesus").

So yeah... I listened intently (with half of a side eye) as she discussed with Russian rage that her son's girlfriend was going to throw a party at his apartment because the girlfriend apparently lives in a box and he lives in a slightly larger box that could accommodate a few more people. As she's going on and on without any clear indication of what her point was.... or why she was so irritated... I finally ask her "what's the point?" and she says....

"She didn't clean the house for him before the party!"

Now... if you've been on my blog for 5 seconds, you know I hate to clean.... so of course, I'm all like "why does SHE have to do the cleaning" (I mean it's his house) and my Russian Mom responds, that since it was her party... she should be the one cleaning up his place. Now... I get it. I mean, she SHOULD clean the place AFTER the party, but clean it beforehand? No... I'm not getting it. So my Russian mom goes on... and on... an on about how they don't make women like they used to blah blah blah... and that her son deserves blah blah blah... and that had she raised the poor chick she would have taught her blah blah blah... etc. etc. etc. All of this fell on deaf ears... specifically because she's venting to someone who doesn't like to clean her own house... much less anyone else's, but then she said something (and since I was only half listening, I have no idea where the statement came from) --- but she said that her son can't fix anything. That he doesn't own a hammer. Or a drill. That when something breaks he has to call someone to help him out. That he's not handy at all. Doesn't even know how to change a flat tire on his car.

I. DIED.

I went all batshit shouting "BUT HE IS A MAN" --- "A MAN IS SUPPOSED TO BE HANDY" -- "WHO DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO FIX A TIRE?" --- etc. etc. etc.

Russian mom just stared at me... blank.

And then said,

"Just because he is a man doesn't mean he has to know how to use a hammer, Tiffany. You're like those people that think all women should cook and clean." (wasn't she JUST complaining about the non-cleaning girlfriend??)

I stayed quiet for a few seconds.... then thought about it. And SHIT. She was right. I am. I'm totally a female chauvinist (sort of)...because let me tell you, to me? A man who isn't handy, is no man at all (feel free to attack... I blame being raised in the South for my manly man needs)... Men are manly! And strong! And they have tool belts! And use hammers! And they build amazing (sometimes useless) things out of wood! And it is DEAD SEXY. And. And. AAAAAAND-- I don't expect they do it ALL of the time... because I can do these very things myself. I can fix a tire, and hammer stuff (with a pink hammer of course), and be all handy, and I would look pretty hot in a tool belt... but my man? Totally needs to be capable of being the Bob the Builder in the relationship. Otherwise I feel like I'm the man! I mean really... what do I look like changing a flat tire on our car while he stands behind me handing me the jack or the lug wrench asking me "Honey do you need anything else?" Oh. Hell. No.

Oh... and he can do the cooking too. Not all... but you know, a lot of it.

I'll hire the cleaning lady. And I'll bake. And do laundry. And assist in making (and raising) pretty babies.

Happy Wife. Happy Life. Right?

xoxo

Ten Minute Free Flow

2010-11-03T10:06:00.000-04:00

**Topic was Describe yourself as person who is married or unmarried with or without children. If you are an aunt or an uncle, describe the feelings that go along with that role as well**

I'm not married and I don't have children. For some reason this class reminds me of this weekly. Though quite often, I do feel like I have children-- but that's a story for a different day. About 60% of my friends are married, most of which have at least one child. I guess when you are the single, childless friend, you're either bothered by the kids, bothered by not having kids, or relieved to not have to deal with the stress of kids. I fall into none of these categories because I absolutely love kids....and my friends kids. Whether my little linebacker Jayden, my little tinkerbell Kayla or my pretty princess Raven, the children in my life feel like my own little nieces and nephews. Maybe because I'm already any aunt... maybe because I've been obsessed with children for as long as I can remember, particularly obsessed with what my own children will look like. What they will be named. Will be they be athletic? Or smart? Will they be in the band or play football? Will they be like me or their father? Will they be a good mix of us both? Will they know how much I love them? Will being a mother come natural?

I'm hoping it will. I'd like to think I've had a lot of practice with my actual nieces. It is no secret that those little girls are my world. I try to fly home every holiday, birthday, "first day" or simply just any day I feel like I need their little arms around my waist. Alanna is 7, Bella 5, Bailey almost 4 and Haylee almost 8 months. I am extremely close to them all, each with their own little personal nickname that I've given them since they were born-- but I have the craziest little connection with Alanna. I didn't even know how to be an aunt/God Mother when she was born, but I actually lived in NC for over a year of her life and I think this is why the connection is there so deeply. It is this very connection that has me convinced one day I will end up living back near her. Not that all of my girls are not reason to be closer, God knows they are-- but Alanna just knows me in this way that only a child can express. At just 7 years of age she just sees me and it often moves me to tears. The last time I was home, as I was leaving her house to fly back to the city, she gives me a huge hug..... then she pulled me down so that I could be eye level to her and she cupped my face in between her little hands and said:

"Titi I need you to know that I think about you all of the time and I never ever forget you. But I need you home with me. So I can spend the night at your house and you can take me to school and I can dress up like you. So I don't forget you. I'm worried if I don't think you about you all of the time, one day I'm going to forget you."

Can you imagine what that felt like? Such a adult statement from such a little human. So you see, I'm not a mom yet, but I embody the love of all of these children. I love my girls and all of the children in my life. But my girls... they have shown me how to love deeper then I've ever known. They make me feel like I'm going to be an amazing mom one day.... simply because they make me feel like an amazing aunt today. I live to keep them happy. To protect them. To love them. To make sure they never for one day feel anything less then wonderful. Hopefully being a mother will be a lot like that.

Reason #985210 on why my nieces are too grown.

2010-11-02T16:38:00.000-04:00

Bailey....almost 4 years old.

Alicia- "Bailey, stop throwing yourself face first onto the sofa. You're going to hurt yourself.

Bailey- "weeeeeeeee" ((stands on top of sofa and collapses entire little body face first))

Alicia- "Bailey. Stop. You're going to hurt yourself."

Bailey- "Ali. How about you worry about what you're doing. And I'll worry about me. Okay?"

Alicia- ***Blank stare***

Bailey- "weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"

Bailey- **collapses face down. again.**

Doctors and Chinese Fast Food Restaurants Should be Friends

2010-10-28T10:35:00.000-04:00

I hate doctors. I hate going to them. I hate calling them. I hate making the appointment. I hate having to sit in a waiting room for at least a half hour after my scheduled appointment because they are so "busy". I hate doctors. I hate hospitals even more-- but this isn't about those little dungeons.

What I hate most however... is FINDING a doctor. My doctors by and large have all sucked. All of them. And the ones that don't suck are SO good that I have to make an appointment like a YEAR in advance. And God forbid something comes up (like life) and I have to reschedule.... I'm waiting a whole other year to get my "flower" examined. No bueno.

So... why the rant? Well I need a general physician. Apparently this little human is necessary to give a recommendation to my insurance if I want to get ANY kind of treatment for anything.... like Lipo. Not that I need Lipo, but you know, maybe one day after a few tiny humans stretch my body to the north side of Texas.... I will. And before I can get it? I need this human to say "it's okay".... Any way. I had to "fire" my last one because the chick was crazy. And she was Puerto Rican. That's a new rule for me. No crazy doctors. No Puerto Rican doctors.

It's just too close to comfort for me... being Puerto Rican and all. I mean she was ALWAYS on CP Time (colored people time) and whenever I said something to her about making me wait.... she had the neeeeeerve to get an ATTITUDE. Eye roll with her hand to hip AND ALL. To add to her "professionalism", while trying to ask her front desk "receptionists" questions about my appointment, they all spoke to each other about the novelas that were playing on the mini TV behind the receptionist desk....as they ignored me and every other paying patient. And you know what? I dealt with it... I did. I took it because more often then not, finding a doctor is more painful then dealing with your doctor. And she was located right on the Upper East Side, which at the time was very convenient (no longer convenient. at. all.) That was until the day she scolded me like she was my very Puerto Rican mother....and she actually succeeded in making me feel like her Puerto Rican child. (and SHE was in the wrong mind you). Yeah. So, like the (Americanized) Puerto Rican daughter that I am.... I didn't say a WORD (not that she could have slapped me... but her scold felt just that "Puerto Rican" mother-like, that I felt like a slap would come had I opened my mouth)... And well, if you are any type of Latino, you know that....

So yeah, I walked out silent. Pissed off and silent (totally rolling my eyes though) and now have no doctor.................... 2 years later. I've searched all over my little company benefits website and can't seem to find one. The one doc that a coworker found who actually had a spot avail told her she had lesions on her liver and needed immediate surgery (yes. Lesion. On. Her. Liver.) And then called back and said "oops, just kidding. wrong chart. you're fine!" (now I see why he had so many spots available).

So yeah. Chinese fast food restaurants. Docs totally need to take a clue from them. I mean, I can't walk out of my apartment without seeing at least 5 menus on my stoop. I can't walk 5 blocks without seeing some symbol of China displayed on a sign urging me to come in and eat for 5 dollars. Hell, I can even log on line and find 20 take out spots in 30 seconds. But I can't find a damn doctor who won't make me feel ten years old or tell me I'm dying? Total sadness.

At least my gynecologist is good. Need a referral??? I promise he'll never say this while holding some foreign object next to your "flower" ....

Toodles!

Friday Morning Humor

2010-10-22T11:22:00.001-04:00

I am a chronic texter. I am not a fan of the phone in general and try to curb this regularly--- but most times am met with a failed attempt. My friends and family get on me about this all of the the time. So let me clarify first... I LOVE text messaging. That said-- I do not understand how "children" spell these days. Especially in text messages. Why you ask? This morning I get the following text:

Yhu kno watt tym iz practice?

I stared at that message for about ten minutes perplexed that "practice" is the hardest word to spell in that entire sentence, yet they spelled that word correct and in full.... and then another five completely positive that I do not know one person in my life who would type that way. Though, I've had my number for 4 years and in that time there is some random little bad ass kid who gave their school my number and every time the little sucker skips school, I get a phone call. So-- assuming it was the same kid probably giving my number to people he can't be bothered with, I replied:

Me: Is that English?

Them: LMAO! Okaii. what time do we have practice today?? *Better?

Me: Okay does not have one or two i's. But Yes! Better. Unfortunately, I don't know who you are. So I can't answer that question.

Them: LOL. Boii, diz iz Adama

Them: I mean, This is Adam.

Me: Okay. This is Tiffany. You have the wrong number, but I am glad your spelling has improved!:)

Them: Oh! =O, I'm soooo sorry! haha, well thank you for helping me with my spelling =)

Me: Anytime! Feel free to pass the knowledge on to all of your friends.

Them: Yes ma'am

..........

MA'AM???????

What in the SAM HELL? I am NOT a Ma'am!

Needless to say, I didn't respond. The little sucker effectively called me OLD, because I don't jumble up my worlds in unreadable short code. I mean if you can type "Yhu" why can't you type "You"????? And why does "is" have a Z at the end???? Why is it cool to write like you're uneducated?

I'm sure Adam will go to practice today and talk about the "old woman" who actually types out her words. And they will all laugh and say something like "wow, how dumb and totally uncool is she."

Kids!

10 minute Free Flow

2010-10-21T10:22:00.001-04:00

**I had writer's block like a mothaaaaa -- Topic was "Describe how you felt on your graduation Day... sights, sounds and feelings.**

Students were running around snapping pictures and crying and laughing. And I was right there in the mix with all of them. With all of my friends. We had just left McDonald's on the corner and were headed to the convention center. I remember staring out and seeing just a massive sea of bright royal blue. It was such a beautifully confusing day for me. My gold tassel kept sweeping my eyelashes and my gown was itching me because my black dress that I wore underneath was backless. My shoes kept slipping because my feet were all sweaty from the tights I wore to look more like a lady. It was hot. Blistering hot. I was nervous. I was happy. I was sad. I was pensive. I was incredibly excited about new possibilites. I was incredibly sad to be leaving behind what I still consider four amazing years of my life. I was sad because I had decided not to go away to college in another state because I felt guilty for leaving my family. I was happy that I was going to college period. I was scared of being an adult. I was happy to not feel like a complete teenager. I was longing to feel like the teenager I stopped being because I had to be an adult sooner then I wanted to. I was all over the place.

Just 16 weeks prior, though I had been accepted to my three schools of choice, I assumed that I wouldn't be attending college. I wasn't well versed on financial aid, but I was well versed on lack of money and my guidance counselor spared no expense to remind me of this each time I consulted her about attending either Colorado Boulder, NYU or Meredith. It was at her urging that I attend a community college as this is what people in "my situation" do and then in the most likely scenario I could work immediately and pick up a trade or in the best case scenario I could do a two year transfer to a state school. I hated her for making me feel like this was my "only option" because I didn't come from money. It was not like my grades were even close to an issue. I was smart. I was graduating with honors. I had been in every club in that school. Not to mention I had already been accepted into three very good schools and she just wanted me to settle for what was safe? Because of money? After listening to her for a very long time... I decided that she was wrong. Despite her every urging to do what was "best for me", I ignored her "professional advice" to deny my admissions to my three schools of choice and I applied for one scholarship on the deadline of the scholarship application.

On the day of my graduation I was happy. I was thrilled. I was sad. I was proud. I was the first person in my family to be attending college and I was going to my school of choice with a scholarship that was not only based on my academic success, but also on the adversity that I overcame in an effort to obtain that very success. I never spoke to my guidance counselor that day. I met eyes with her twice and of course, in true Tiffany fashion, I smiled and winked at her. That day I knew that she would be the first of many people in my life to say that I couldn't do something and I would absolutely prove them wrong.

....and I am a Mormon

2010-10-20T11:31:00.001-04:00

I really don't understand this ad campaign that has been launched by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I was reading an article that the Mormon church is trying to curb the mentality that people have on Mormon's and prove that they are actually normal people. I think this is hilarious and completely absurd. I am also totally confused at how they think the execution of this campaign is done in a correct manner. The ads are so trite. The campaign alone implies that the general public has something against Mormon's so they need to correct our way of thinking-- It annoys me. Greatly.

What annoys me most however, is their targeted ads that pop up on line. I'm assuming this is the second leg of the campaign as the first leg was only TV spots. This morning I saw an ad on Facebook that read "I am a recovering drug addict, I like to hang out on the weekends, I am a mom to 4, I had a hard life, Jesus Christ is my savior and I am a Mormon" -- and after giving my computer screen a blank stare for what felt like 10 minutes, I rolled my eyes in annoyance. What I wanted to do was talk back to the ad and say "so what you're saying is, you're human... right?" But then I'd would look like a crazy person. So I guess my question is....Is that the point? To prove that as a Mormon, they too are normal? Because if so-- that's nuts. I'm not buying it. Not the normalcy theory (of course they are normal, they are humans-- we are all flawed just the same regardless of our religion), what I'm not buying is the theory that all of this money and campaigning efforts is solely to curb a mindset on normalcy.

I personally wonder if this is all because of their support of Prop 8 and the negative backlash they were met with as a result of it? Or maybe this is because Mitt Romney is likely going to take a presidential bid in 2012 so they are trying to clean up their image because we all know how creepy he is. Those two reasons seem most logical to me, but maybe not. Maybe the church just REALLY wants to prove they are normal. Though, how "normal" is it to spend millions on an ad campaign to prove your normalcy? I don't know. It seems counterproductive. I've asked some of my Mormon friends, and they can't figure it out either-- but they love the campaign. They can't explain it, but they love it. Advertising at it's finest. I'm sure the campaign has been effective for them. I mean, I myself have gone to the website 2 or 3 times to just stare... so the traffic must be heavy, which in turn means the ads are "working" -- but from my perspective, the campaign is just all sorts of weird.

Hi. I'm Tiffany. A blogger with a shoe shopping "problem". I love children. I like to hang out with my friends and I'm obsessed with Interior Design. I find peace of mind in dancing and giving back to my community. Jesus Christ is my Savior and I am a Catholic.

Can I get an ad campaign please? Because we ALL know my religion could use some good publicity.

Gracias!

Slacker with a cause

2010-10-18T16:13:00.000-04:00

Sooooooooooo I've been slack-- I'm sorry! But I have a good reason! I turned thirty...on the most perfect 30th birthday EVER (10/10/10) --- so clearly, I was M.I.A. And well, I wasn't able to blog-- at all. Nor did I attend class last week because I decided to leave the city to celebrate my birthday with 15 of my wonderful friends. My professor understood.... so, clearly, so should you ;). My Tuesday write up will resume this week... I swear. And, I've been "blog challenged" to write 30 letters in 30 days-- so, yeah, no stress, apparently you'll be getting to read plenty of my "colorful mind".

That aside... I just want to take one huge, cheesy moment to say that I have the most amazing friends and family in the whole wide universe (seriously) -- I was showered with so much love and affection and it is still pouring in for my birthday. The gifts I've gotten not only did I not expect them, but I didn't expect the thought that went into to them so deeply. From an amazing antique cross necklace, to a photo album that captures all of my friends and family and life here in the city, to sneakers that "officially make me a NY'er", to beautiful jewelry, journals, coffee table books, dinners, tickets to events, picture frames, scraves, even a BIRD CAGE (you'd have to have visited my home to understand why, surprise dinners, many, many birthday cakes-- hell, my friends even gave me a black eye, bruised forehead and thigh AND a scratched ankle (can you tell they love me?) -- seriously this has been more of a birthday then I could have ever imagined. So I'm sorry for the lag in posting, but I promise you, it was with good reason.

I am completely blessed with the best. Soooo, "Tuesday Free Flow" to follow. In the meantime, Have a beautiful week loves!

xoxo

Tuesday Post- 10 minute free flow

2010-10-07T06:30:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the delay in this post my wonderful friends threw me a surprise party and well...yeah.. I'm late... either way, Tuesday's question that I chose was "What is your role in your sibling order?"

I am one of four maternal siblings. There is five of us in total as my father had a daughter, but we weren't raised with her. Didn't even know we had a sister until she was almost 15 years old. I was the 2nd of the four and have felt like the oldest for as long as I can remember. It actually wasn't until my older sister JoAnn got married and had children that i felt like I had an older sister-- partly because we grew up as twins. My mother moved around a lot when we were kids largely due to bad marriages and family strife, so we missed a lot of school... and as a result Jojo had to repeat the 1st grade. We are only 15 months apart, so I guess they didn't think missing Kindergarten was big deal--so they advanced me whiled holding her back. From the 1st grade on, Jo and I were not only in the same grade, but everyone thought were twins. Growing up we looked identical in many ways. Where we differed, however, was in personality. JoAnn was always outgoing. Rambunctious. The one everyone loved. I was quiet and reserved and a bit insecure. Jo was also insanely smart in school and I was amazingly average... but once Jo became old enough to understand that feeling she felt when boys came around, school sort of took a back burner and for me school took all of my focus. As we got older, my addiction to learning and her addiction to hanging out and having fun left me feeling like her older (and very envious) sister. I was always watching over her and making sure she wasn't doing anything too crazy. It wasn't until I moved out of the state that these roles switched completely. Now it's JoAnn who watches over me and I must admit-- I love that feeling of having a big sister to turn to when my life seems out of wack (as it so often does).

As for my younger siblings.... our relationship was a bit different. When JoAnn and I were roughly 15 or 16, my mom got her 3rd and final divorce from her monster of husband. That divorce changed my mother drastically. She had gone from being her fun-loving, attentive self, to being extremely withdrawn and depressed and unable to function as she normally would have in this type of situation. As such, I became a mom to my two younger siblings. Alicia is the youngest and we have a 6 year age gap. Sean is closer to my age with only a 2 1/2 year age gap. At the time of my mother's divorce, Sean was not going in the best direction. He wasn't a bad kid-- he just didn't have any focus. He was about to finish middle school, so I took it upon myself to get him involved in student counsel, in the hopes that the male figures he was surrounded by would bring structure and direction to Sean's life. See his dad was an absentee alcoholic with a penchant for drugs-- so outside of my stepfather, Sean did not have a stable male figure in his life to guide him. Knowing that I couldn't give him that male perspective, I still wanted to be there for him as much as I could-- so I helped him study, made sure he did his homework, washed his clothes, made him dinner, took him to basketball practice, helped him with projects, etc. For Sean I tried to be the most attentive sister possible because was old enough to see and understand that our mother had changed, but not mature enough to understand why and I could see in many ways he was building a resentment towards my mom, so I tried my hardest to deflect that by keeping his life active and positive. With Alicia being so much younger, I not only had to be her sister-- I had to be her mother. In many ways, I still am her mother. She was too young to understand anything that was going on and was connected deeply to the monstrous ways of my stepfather as was I-- so for Alicia, I stopped living. For Alicia, I sacrificed as though I carried her in my womb. For Alicia, I would do anything because Alicia is my child. I raised her. This is not to say my mother was not there. She was-- but she had a lot of healing to do. That marriage broke her in ways I'm not even sure she can quantify-- so I gladly stepped in and helped her keep our family together. That has been my role in my family. That is my role in my siblings. I am the tie that binds.

Time & Chance

2010-10-03T22:39:00.000-04:00

This has been one long week. Many many things happened-- let's see..... one of my closest friends got admitted to the hospital and is still there, then I got hit by car while crossing the street, then I had to put my 13 year old dog to sleep... and well everything in between good or bad, just added to the "fun" of all of the prior. It was a long week. I laughed, I cried, I was happy and I was absolutely down.... but in all as trying of week as it was, it was a week worth experiencing. And I say this not to negate every other week that I have "lived" ...but just in the general sense that, so many understandings came out of the craziness of this week.

For instance, getting hit by that car? Knocked some sense into me literally? Everything in my life brings me sheer joy except for one aspect. Just one. And well.... in that moment of being hit but that negligent Honda driver, it clicked for me. What's the point in waiting anything out in the hopes that it will change? If it's not right.... make it right. And if you can't make it right? Walk left. And my dog... geez... I've never lost a family member before and I think unless you are dog owner, you can never quite understand just how close we are to our dogs... but they ARE our family. So this was my lesson on love and loss. I was hysterical when she was put to sleep. Hysterical. But the release...the emotions... they all brought forth clarity.

And my dearest friend who has unfortunately been hospitalized-- he'll pull through. I know he will. Seeing him there and wanting nothing more then to shake him out of what I call "the result of his own selfishness" clarified many things for me as well. Not necessarily things that I haven't already known, but more so things that I just put on the back burner. Life is just so very precious. So very important. And nothing...nothing... ABSOLUTELY NOTHING... is worth your stress. Or more importantly, your precious life.

Getting hit by a car was interesting... Losing my dog was devastating... Watching my friend suffer has been heart wrenching.... but, in all of it? Sunshine on a cloudy day. In the end of all that rain..... total clarity. Total sunshine. Life is too important to not just stop and embrace it wholly.

With love,

Tiffy

Permanent Wave- 10 minute free flow.

2010-09-29T00:31:00.000-04:00

The professor gave 4 topics... I chose "Permanent Wave"-- we get cut off in 10 minutes, and we can not edit-- so forgive me if these Tuesday stories end abruptly or don't flow as well as an edited story. The purpose is to just write without thought.

I don't know anything about permanent waves. Outside of Nora Efron's story that was just read out loud, I'm not even sure that I've heard of it prior to today. What I do gather, however; is that it was probably some hellacious hairstyle that women convinced themselves made them look more adult and as a result would be taken more seriously if they just put themselves through the trauma of doing it to their hair. Afterall, beauty is pain. And this? This is something I do know about all too well.

The year was 1989 and like any other soon to be fifth grader I was more than thrilled to be the "big man on campus" of Lynn Road Elementary school. All of the "little people" from Kindergarten to the fourth grade were now beneath me. I was grown. An adult of sorts. I now had Social Studies in the long hall, I got to eat lunch in unassigned seats and most importantly, the back seat on the bus was totally reserved for us--the 5th graders. Clearly such new found awesomeness called for a new hairstyle. I had worn my unbearably curly hair in pigtails much of my child life, but as an upcoming 5th grader I knew I needed to go rogue. I needed to switch things up a bit. I needed a hairstyle that shouted "I am now a big deal" -- my hair needed to be worn down. After all, pigtails were for 4th graders. For babies. So I told my mom, and in slight muffled laughter, she agreed to let me wear it down...since I clearly had a point to prove. The problem however, was that unlike my sisters' beautiful, curly hair-- my hair was large and poofy and resembled one of those little chia pets that sat on the kitchen counter. When my mother tried to comb it down, it just sprung right back up into a huge poof. I was devastated to say the least. There was no way I could be taken seriously with this hair. And then came the solution. You see my mother had been married to a black man at the time who regularly did somethig to his hair to give the ever so false impression that his hair was naturally curly-- so with his urging (and clearly deep knowledge of a little Puerto Rican curls) him and my mother decided to do to me, what he did to his own hair. And they gave me? A Jheri Curl.

In sheer and utter eagerness, I sat for just under two hours as they lathered up my hair with curl activator and pink oil moisturizer to tame my wild little curls. The smell was slightly unbearable, but what did that matter? I needed my hair down. This was the 5th grade people. After they finished, they put a plastic cap on my head and told me to sleep in it so that the curl could "set" and that in the morning when I got ready for my first big day, my hair would be perfection. When I woke up the next day, the result of the two hours of curl activation can only be described by the eloquent words of the movie "Coming To America"-- I, Tiffany, the new 5th grader, had "Soul Glow". I was one greasy little ball of frizzed up hair. I'm pretty sure there was more oil on the back of my neck then the BP oil spill. And what was worse? THEY ADDED MORE moisturizer to "define" my already Vaseline-induced looking curls. I glistened people. Glistened. I however did not look like a 5th grader to be taken seriously. Not to mention the fact that I was dripping. Dripping. Everywhere I walked in the house you knew that Tiffany had been there, because there was a spot of oil- yes, this actually does happen... I left oil spots everywhere. And that day on the bus? I left one there too. Except I didn't realize it, until some little kindergartner pointed and yelled "what is THAT" and in unison 2 little first graders said "Tiffany has a Jheri curl and she stained the seat!" and then they all started roaring with laughter! I was getting picked on by what should have been my minions! This was no way to start my reign as the person they were clearly supposed to look up to and aspire to be in a years time when I would be an even bigger big deal as a 6th grader in middle school!

Needless to say, I was mortified. I spent my entire first day of the 5th grade locked in a bathroom. My sister, JoAnn, had to be called out of her class to come force me out of the bathroom-- and she assured me no one even noticed the oil stains that I had left on my chair at new 5th grader desk. I went home and begged my mom to wash it out. She said it would take at least 2 months to be less shiny. So the next day and every day there after, we put my hair high on my head in one big bun-- disguising my "soul glow" until my hair returned to its' natural, non-greasy state. I'd like to say this ended my experiments with my hair throughout my years as a growing woman-- but that would be just one huge lie. That said, I should also mention rule the 5th grade I did not. My sister however? She totally rocked it out with her long flowing locks... she also threatened to punch anyone who laughed at me. Now that? Is how you rule those 4th grade babies.

Time flies when you're having fun

2010-09-28T17:08:00.000-04:00

Talk about a crazy busy month! The "end" of the summer was wonderful. It was relaxing... it was covered in beaches and tiny little explorations... random wanderings and live music bands and sunset conversations. Summer as a whole was wonderful. Incredibly busy (as most NYC summers are) and lots of traveling.... but overall, wonderful. And now fall.. my most favorite season is here and there are so many wonderful excursions and activities planned-- but what makes me sad is that I've not had one good chance to sit down and blog. Not ONE blog entry this month...and well Friday, the month is over. Total sadness... and it's not that I haven't written, because I'm always always writing, but I like to utilize my blog to capture moments that I feel are worth sharing in some ways and I feel like I've neglected that. I'll do better. Classes have started and one of them had me do a introduction to myself in one and half minutes and the other assignment was to choose 1 of 4 topics to write about in a free flow manner without any corrections in 10 minutes. At 10 minutes, we were cut off. So I've decided that I'll post those 10 minute write ups every Tuesday (that's the only day that this class is) and hopefully it will give more of a glimpse into me............. and all of my Tiffy glory. I'll post today's write up tonight. For now I'll share my one and half minute introduction to my class-- we had to write who we are, why we are in the class, and if we could be anywhere else in that moment, where we would be.

I'm Tiffany. An almost 30 year old sassy little Puerto Rican sales and marketing professional

who has pretty much hated her job for as long as she's done it. Overly ambitious with a solid work

ethic who thanks God for her wonderfully cool clients because without them,

she may have walked out a long time ago. Totally destined for something greater

and is reaching for it daily. Would love to help the world... each and every troubled soul...

at the very least a small patch of children in need of warm arms.

Overly loving and extremely affectionate aunt to four beautiful nieces,

devoted sister and daughter to three amazing sisters,

one estranged brother and the coolest mom ever.

Would die for my family and friends- no lie.

Native southern belle with Brooklyn born parents and have a hard time remembering

my life before I became a city girl.

Always, Always writing--often with no purpose, so I took this class to find purpose in what I write-- if any.

If I could be anywhere right now, it would be near sunshine.

p.s. I can't tell you how much I hate that every time I describe myself, the first thing I mention is my job.

The English language is doomed

2010-08-26T15:00:00.000-04:00

This morning I was eavesdropping on a mother telling her roughly 10 year old son that "conversate" was not a word and trying to explain to him how the proper way to explain having a conversation was "to converse" -- so the kid is all sassy with the mom and is like "look mom, I've never heard of that word" and the mom says "look it up because conversate is not a word and I'm not going to have my kid walking around sounding ignorant" --- so you know what he does? He shows her that conversate IS a word defined in the Merriam Webster Dictionary.

Say whaaaat? Since. When?

I don't get it. I mean.... yeah yeah, Biggie made the "word" popular..... but it isn't a WORD. I mean the definition alone doesn't make sense... it is defined as "to converse" ...............CONVERSE is the correct word.

Anyway, long story short... the mom did probably the EXACT thing I would have done had it been my child..... snatched the dictionary out of his hand and said "I don't care what the hell the dictionary says, I'M your mother and you will NOT sound ignorant on my watch.... say the word one more time and your PS3 is gone for the rest of the year.... and if you ever get smart with me like that again? You're grounded for a year. Try me."

That ended that.

So of course I had to google it... and YEP. Conversate is in the dictionary. Along with "Bling-Bling" "Bootylicious" "ain't" and a host of other ridiculous "words" thrown together by "Hip Hop", "Pop" music and sheer laziness. And then... not trusting the Internet, I decided to go to the actual library and look in the dictionary and even THERE it was defined.... in print.

No wonder why it is so hard for people to learn English... I mean ANYTHING can be a word in the English language. We are such a lazy culture. Can't speak proper English? Make up a word! I don't care what "Merriam Webster" says.... Ain't isn't a word. You converse with someone you are having a conversation with. My diamonds do not "bling-bling". And if you call someone bootylicious? You just SOUND ignorant.

-end rant.

xo